I just don't understand.
Friday, May 10, 2013
On Tuesday, I mailed my aunt, my Grampa and my mom pictures of Daughter -- they were extra good, and they were her Spring photos from school. I got a message from my aunt the next day, saying she'd received the pictures, she went on and on about how good they were, how grown up Daughter looks, etc. Three whole days have passed and I haven't heard one word from my mother about her pictures. I sent her a 5x7, two 3x5s, and a keychain picture, all inside her Mother's Day card. I don't understand why she's been ignoring me for almost a month, and I really don't understand why she wouldn't drop an email to say, "I got the pictures and I love them! Thanks!" (and it really has been almost a month. May 15 will be the official day that she ceased to show any interest in my life whatsoever). I haven't spoken to her on the phone in a month, maybe just a little over. I'm going to call her on Mother's Day morning, and at that point I will test her out a bit. I'm not planning to "say anything" ... I'm just going to see if SHE does ... I'm going to see how she acts, what she says, etc. I will wait until the very end of the conversation to inquire if she got the photos or not. Honestly, I've been dreading the obligatory Mother's Day phone call for a while now. I know that probably makes me sound horrible, but it's just the way she's making me feel. I honestly don't even want to talk to her. She can't just pick and choose when she wants to be involved with me and when she doesn't. I had this big cry-out the other night, and had a long talk with Husband. He can really be so great. He has this capability to just turn off emotion when it comes to assholes. He said he wishes he could teach me how he does it, but even he doesn't know. I wish I could do that with her. I wish I could stop caring. I wish I could stop letting her hurt me. I just don't get her sometimes. I don't get how she can go from a million emails and phone calls to nothing. I mean, this is the same woman who will email me an article or pin from Pinterest, and then she will email or call me to tell me that she emailed me something. She wants to make damn sure I got that article, but she can't manage to ask, "Hey, how are you doing?" after my Gramma passed away. She can't be bothered to say, "I got the pictures, thanks." WTF. Ugh.............that's really all I can say at the moment. I hate to say it, but there are two main moments that I'm ready to just put behind me: the Mother's Day phone call and the trip down there this summer (or whenever) to get the furniture after they sell their house, and then I'm done for a while. That's all I can think to do. I always feel like a jerk because I know what she's been through, and most of it is not good...but none of it has been my fault. I just can't keep letting her be an occasional but immense dark spot in my life. I'm done with her mood swings, I'm done with all of that. I'll always be here for her and I'll always love her, but I'm done letting her manipulate me. Now if I can just stop obsessing. It's really hard though, because how do you just let your own mom fall to the wayside??