Ignore the grammar mistakes. Didn't have a chance to fix them yet!
Today, I woke up feeling worse than blah. Yesterday I made a mistake and took my thyroid and iron pills too close together. You're suppose to wait 4 hours & from that moment, I haven't been feeling well at all. I got ready to go workout with my mom and my sister but can't. Too nauseated and dizzy.
I also think I'm not feeling too well because I had an emotional night last night.
One of my friends wants to come over but my family and I don't have the energy right now.
Last year, one of my friends came over and she complained about so many little things and one more little remark and I would have lost it. I realize you are suppose to make your guests feel comfortable but there are lines they shouldn't cross. Last time she was here, she declared that she had to eat every couple of hours and she did. Made a comment that she was surprised that the "small" hamburgers filled her up. We barbequed them and they were not "small." While it's important to have enough for your guests, it is not always feasible to be able to feed someone every couple of hours. The weird part was she even told me that she "didn't want to eat me out of house and home!"
Now..I am not trying to bash anyone but what am I suppose to do? What am I suppose to say if she asks why I haven't asked her? If I tell her the truth, then I will be made into the villain. That always happens.
She says she eats when she is hungry and isn't an emotional eater but she always acts as if everything is sunshine and rainbows and even when things they aren't. I guess she isn't allowed to express her emotions and I kind of think that she eats her feelings....
I also had an emotional night last night because I am still frustrated about making decisions about what to do with my life. My friends chose so easily. Teacher, chef, preschool teacher. My sister always says that doesn't mean they will like their jobs but I guess I just envy them for having a plan. I know you don't have to have a plan but my brain has always thought point A gets you to point B and I guess I feel like I don't have a point A to start from. Truthfully, I am afraid of failure. I have been since I was little. I think that's because when I was little, I was well behaved but I still got screamed at and blamed for things that I didn't do by my grandma. She wasn't the kind of grandma who baked cookies. She is the kind of person who will tell your boyfriend or girlfriend to THEIR FACE if she thinks they are ugly. She has been a lot better since she started going to church but she still has a long, long way to go. She thinks that fat people should not be on TV and she feels she can say anything she wants but if you are honest/blunt with her she doesn't like it one bit. I try to stay away from there on holidays and I avoid going over there as much as possible. It's too stressful. If I sit in the kitchen with everyone, they are all smoking & if my sister and I ask them not to smoke around us, we shouldn't have "followed" them. If we sit in the living room, then we risk being blamed for breaking or taking something. It is not worth the stress. I try to be very forgiving and I remind myself that my grandma is sick in the head but one comment about something can send all these feelings rushing back up to the surface. It's not something I could talk to her about because she would deny ever being mean to me when I was little. She thinks in her mind and twisted reality that we had "fun" at her house when we were little. I did not have fun. When I was little, I actually thought that my grandma was the wicked witch of the west! My mom stopped taking me to her house when I told her she was mean and I was always getting blamed for stuff. One family member like that is bad enough but I had/have more than one family member who is like that. Don't talk to them though.
If dealing with that wasn't bad enough when I was younger, I had some of the worst teachers on the planet. I don't know who they thought they were or why the thought they were meant to teach but they were not. There was this one teacher I had. She always told our class that we didn't know anything and she was always cranky and taking her stress out on us. It was the second grade! She would also always pull our arms if we weren't in a straight enough line. My mom had a parent-teacher conference and my mom hated her so much and told her off and then I got to go to a different class and it was so much better! I also
always got 100% on all of my work but still would get S's and when we asked why...they would say I was too quiet. I did participate and talked a bit to other kids but I was a bit shy and since I was shy, they would ask what was wrong with me. NOTHING was wrong with me. Being shy is not a flaw. I felt that I was being punished for being naturally shy. It wasn't an encouragement to participate.
Teachers would also always lose my work and then blame me for not turning it in. I loved learning but all of that made me hate school too so I guess I had a love-hate relationship with school. I remember in middle school, there was a conference and my science teacher magically found a pile of my work that she claimed I didn't turn in. I know there are a lot of good teachers out there and a lot of excellent ones but I didn't have that many of them. I understand it is a very stressful job at times and sometimes, they get blamed for things that are not in their control but even with that being understood, there was no excuse for some of the poor excuses I had as "teachers." A teacher once gave me detention in first grade and I believe it was for the dumbest reason in the history of reasons to get detention. Okay....here goes...A girl asked me if I liked her shoes. I said: "Yes, but I like mine better." Yes, I actually got into trouble for that! My mom called the school and said.."So, you gave my daughter detention for having an opinion? She's not allowed to have an opinion?!" I remember my mom being so mad! I think that my second grade teacher wasn't meant to work with elementary school students. Maybe she would have been better off as a high school teacher. Maybe she would have been better off as being anything but something in a helping profession!
I remember being at an assembly once and I received a citizenship award and a writing award & then we had to go back to our seats. My class was seated in one of the back rows and one of my classmates told a joke and a few of us laughed. We couldn't see the ceremony at all and we were all quiet after he told his joke and got our laughs out but then this teacher came over to me and starts screaming at me and points her finger in my face and told me I should be "ashamed of myself for laughing at second graders." (I was in 5th grade at that time). She went on to tell me that I didn't deserve my citizenship award. I was so upset and in tears. That teacher ruined my day! My class had a sub that day and she saw what happened and she told me that that teacher was in the wrong and that I did deserve my award. She also gave is individual points for behavior and she gave me some extra ones. She left a note for my actual teacher but I don't remember what happened after that.
I hope a few of the awful teachers I had have retired or have moved on to a different profession. It takes a very specific, special kind of person to be a teacher. I did have a few excellent teachers and it does matter what kind of teachers a child has when they are growing up. Make sure your kids have teachers who light a fire and spark students to be curious and to ask questions and enjoy learning. Not teachers who get by by igniting fear into children and who get away with basically "bullying" a child. There's a difference between discipline and bullying.
Anyway, I guess that's where my fears of failure stem from. I know I have a lot of potential. I am great at helping other people. I know my strengths have to do with helping and communicating and writing (though don't judge my writing ability by my blogs-my writing is loads better than how I express my feelings here on these blogs!) I know what my weaknesses are. Math, not believing in myself enough, math. Yes, I mentioned it twice. I told you I wasn't good at math!
The good thing about all of this is that this year, I am really learning and applying not to allow other people to rent space in my head. They don't pay rent, so they had to be evicted! I do understand that just because I had bad experiences with teachers doesn't mean they things they said or did have to shape my future because the things they said weren't true and the things they did are far faded into the past.
When I do try to make a decision, I start feeling ill or like it's going to be wrong or a disaster and then I get stressed out and start getting an anxiety attack and I have to stop because the last time I was at the doctor he said my blood pressure was a little high and one week before that a different doctor told me the same thing and I have never had high blood pressure in my entire life.
If someone else was in my shoes, I would tell them to just try something and if it doesn't work out, try something else but when it comes to myself...my head likes to analyze ever bad thing that could possibly be but I haven't been doing that as much. I have kind of just been avoiding the topic but that's not a good thing to do either. Sometimes, I get overwhelmed and then I envy people who feel they have a purpose and who are working to make it come true. I hate feeling like I am floating around through life. Hate it! I am TRYING though.
I will be going back to school later this year. Everything is pretty much set to go. I shouldn't have any debt or anything so that is one thing I don't have to worry about. I know I worry way to much to the point of ridiculousness. I do have some good days though. I just wish I didn't worry as much. My family says it's normal to worry a little but not the way I do. I know it's the truth. It's the number 1 thing that I have to work on. This is going to sound so crazy but it stresses me out that I stress out and then I get stressed out because I am trying to not do that and it's overwhelming but I feel a lot better now that I got all of this stuff out of my system that has been floating around for a long time. Now I can let it go and it can float somewhere in cyberspace instead of in my head. I think that's the best thing about blogging. It clears your mind significantly. A lot of getting healthy starts with healing from the inside out.
Now a good thing. I have reached over 500 fitness minutes so far! I am so happy about that!
I am more than halfway to my goal of 1,000!
Hope everyone's day is going well!