The Positivity Universe
Friday, May 10, 2013
I think I’ve posted a blog each day this week – crazy huh?! Lots of stuff going on in my brain this week around health & fitness that just needs to get out. You guys UNDERSTAND so… here goes!
I heard from my doctor on my way home yesterday. I told her how I really wouldn’t have questioned the results if I didn’t have such a bad thyroid day earlier this week and if the cholesterol stuff wasn’t so random to me. What we boiled down to:
- She agreed that I may be one of those people that have difficulty even at a “moderate” or “okay” thyroid – medicated level. She pointed out how much lower my level has gotten now that I am consistently taking my medication and that is very true, you can clearly see improvement, so I should be happy about that and I am. I just wish it meant that I felt okay 100% of the time but maybe that isn’t normal for anyone on thyroid meds? I’m not sure. So I will be doubling my meds once a week to lower my levels just a little more.
- She mentioned how the cholesterol level went up since last time and she thinks it could be because of my recent slightly extreme weight gain in a short period of time. Yes – she said it. I got fatter, quickly. I knew that, but you know how much it sucks to hear someone else say it out loud? I told her how I pretty much keep the Giant Food Sugar Free Oatmeal production company in business and my plan to reduce processed foods and gluten. I am shooting for 3-4 cardio sessions during the week and one on the weekends. She said it sounds like a good plan and we can recheck in six months. I am now DETERMINED to have that number lower in six months.
- I have to start watching sodium. I sort of keep sodium in the back of my mind but I know I don’t pay enough attention to it. Hopefully cooking more at home and watching this a bit more will help. I had sort of a “duh” moment – duh I should be focusing on sodium?!
- I have to go back to the ENT. My freaking ear – never ending story!
Last night I put up SUCH A GOOD FIGHT against negative stuff. Seriously, like a HUGE difference from how I usually approach these situations!
I came home and my BF was like “Um, I think the crockpot meal didn’t work out” and he was right. I’m not even sure what happened, but it looked like burnt dog food and we had to trash it. I normally would have started mentally berating myself for screwing up dinner but instead I shrugged it off. Can’t trust everything you find on Pinterest.
BF really wanted to go out to eat and I put up a fight. I said I knew I’d probably have a beer and bad food at the place he wanted to go and we had plenty of options at home that have already been paid for. Of course, I always have that part of the brain that is like “You already cooked and messed up dinner, why try again? You should go out and relax!” but I FOUGHT IT HARD. I ended up making gluten free pasta with Trader Joe’s meatless meatballs and spinach. Guess what guys? Gluten free pasta AIN’T BAD. In fact, my BF didn’t notice a difference. It only has TWO ingredients in it (BAM) and I didn’t feel like I was digesting it all freaking night long.
Then came the dreaded closet outfit picking time. The temps are warming up here, and we’re going to a “club” tonight for my friend’s birthday. I have never been to this place and mistakenly thought it was more of a casual bar until someone told me yesterday it is, in fact, a “club” heavens help me. I swear I have two closets of clothes that just don’t fit. That’s what happens when you gain 40 lbs. in 3 months. I mean – very very few things fit and none of them were “club wear” in the least. I could feel the panic rising. This usually ends up with me tossing a pile of clothes on the bed and crying. The kind of pain you feel when this happens… it is hard to describe, but it feels like someone is twisting my heart. It is a horrible combination of self-loathing, frustration, sadness, disappointment, even fear. My first reaction, besides crying, is to be like “I’m not going, I don’t want to be seen, please hide me in a big bag in a dark closet, I embarrass myself…” but I know it isn’t healthy to hide from LIFE like that.
Instead I told my BF I was going out and I headed over to JCP. I ended up finding myself a nice new top for $8 and even scored a new bra for $7 that fits really well (miracles DO occur!) I think I will be okay tonight. BF and I also decided we will attend dinner and make a decision about the “club” depending on how late dinner runs. We’re both closer to 30 than 20 and prefer craft beers at bars to vodka drinks and DJs. That’s me and that’s no problem. This is also my friend who is teensy tiny and can put a whole pizza away by herself. She chose a restaurant that has like negative healthy options. I am going to try my best! I have my healthy lunch packed today, my gym bag is with me, and my calendar has no appointments on it besides my workout. BAM.
I think I am going to have to suck it up and buy some new clothes soon or I will be in big trouble in a few weeks when all I have are sweaters to wear. I am thinking of investing in a few stretchy maxi dresses that can carry over with a belt when I lose weight. I also need to find two dresses for my sister’s upcoming nuptials, so why not rip the bandaid off now? It is supposed to rain all day tomorrow so I am deeming it SHOPPING DAY.
Lastly – and I do want to hear some opinions on this – I think I mentioned before how I had a few friends at my old job that would talk about people’s weights. I was afraid to meet up with them because of this, with my weight gain and all, knowing I’d probably become a topic of discussion. Well, last night one of them started texting me about how my old coworker gained all of this weight. She actually called this girl “huge”… I didn’t respond and the more I think about it, the more upset I am. I think I am going to email her today and be like “You know what, that talk is really starting to bother me. I don’t think we should be discussing anyone’s weight, it isn’t nice and she may be struggling and I know the feeling.” I can’t let this continue on anymore. Nobody should be talking behind anyone’s back about weight, period. It is mean and selfish and I don’t want it in my life anymore. I have moved on! But I feel like I need to say something because it is reaching a level of wrongness that I am not okay with and I can’t keep my mouth shut any longer.
That being said – I REALLY want to continue to focus on POSITIVITY. I know this isn’t going to be easy, but I need all of the positive help that I can get right now. Maybe if I keep talking positivity to myself, it will help with everything?!?!?! I’m betting on that right now – so here we go!