Friday, May 10, 2013
I figured it was time for me to write a blog. Just a quick intro, my name is Ruth. I am married to Albert. I have 8 children ranging in age from 23 to 10 months. My husband has 3 grown sons from a previous marriage. Praise and Worship in song and dance is my passion. My life has changed so drastically over the past year and I turned to food, mainly baking, as comfort. I ended up getting to my heaviest weight ever, 226, and squeezing into clothes, being in pain from them being too tight and just not even wanting to go out much at all. Getting dressed for church was so stressful. But let me back up, my husband and I used to pastor a church. He was senior Pastor for almost 20 years but he felt that God was leading him to retire and focus more on evangelizing. It hurt my heart but I stood by his decision. What we didn't realize was that in walking away from the position of senior pastors we were going to have a lot of "friends" walk away from us. I was left almost completely alone, lies were being told, people were angry with me over things that were supposedly said and no one would talk to me. I wasn't given the chance to speak and didn't even really know exactly what had happened. I spent many hours crying and eating. Within a few months of retiring we moved to a different town and settled into a new home. I had found out within a week of my husbands retirement that I was pregnant. That was bittersweet because the people I wanted to share with the most were no longer speaking to me. The pregnancy was an excuse to eat more and more. I ended up with gestational diabetes and had to slow down but once my son was born I was back to baking. We began attending a church a month after the retirement and we knew a lot of the people there. We are still there but I have not really connected with anyone or gotten close to anyone and I miss having that girlfriend to hang out with and talk to like I had with the ladies at our old church. Anyway, I knew that my eating was getting out of hand but baking was just giving me soo much joy. My mom was getting worse, I could tell, she was just so frail and I knew that time was getting short and I did not want to think about that at all. My mom was the one person that I knew I could talk to about anything, even at the nursing home, she listened. I brought mom home for Thanksgiving and I knew that the ride was rough for her, she opted to stay at the home for Christmas. We had the house decorated for Christmas at Thanksgiving for her just in case so she got to see all the decorating the kids did that she loved so much. Her birthday was in March and we had a big party for her. Last year it was a small gathering with my sister and her kids and my kids and moms sister but this year I invited every relative that lived here and we had a good crowd. Since I was around a lot I let all the others get pictures with mom, I wasn't in any of them, some of my kids were though. I planned on getting some good pics on Easter with our hats on. Well, mom went home to Heaven the Thursday before Easter. She was rushed to the hospital on Tuesday, double pneumonia, and she had lived with congestive heart failure for years. In fact 3 years prior Hospice had given her 3 months to live but she proved them wrong and they released her from their care. Wednesday the Dr. said there was nothing else he could do for her, she was on a machine helping to force oxygen in her lungs and on antibiotics but she was so small, she was classed with failure to thrive once again like 3 years ago. My sister had me talk to mom about what she wanted. She hated that machine and kept pulling at the mask trying to take it off. She asked me if she was going to die right away and I told her no. We talked about Heaven and my dad and brother there waiting for her. I told her I loved her and she told me she loved me and that I was her baby. I choked back tears and held it together so she wouldn't see me cry as she told me she didn't want the machine anymore. I told the nurse and she said okay. Hospice was going to come in and talk to us in the morning. I hated to leave that evening but I had to take care of the kids. Mom told me to go feed her babies. I asked her if she was okay with me leaving, she smiled and said yes. I told her I 'd be back the next day. I cried on the way home and barely slept. The phone rang at 6:25 a.m. and my heart fell, it was the hospital, she was gone. My sister had spent the night with her so she wasn't alone, but I felt guilty for not being there. I know mom would have fussed at me for being there and not being home with the babies but I still felt awful. I felt bad for telling her she wasn't going to die right away. I honestly thought we had a few days. I went in the room and wanted her to wake up soo bad, I watched her chest to see if she was breathing even though I knew she wasn't. I remember getting home and my son and I crying together and I remember telling my girls, I can still hear their screams. They loved their grandma, she was such a huge part of their lives. I remember going to church on Easter and trying to make the day as normal as possible for the kids, trying to smile and not cry. Speaking at moms service was probably the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I just thank God for holding me up and helping me get through it. Since then I have cried a few minutes almost every day. I think this week leading up to Mothers Day has been the worst. I just miss her so much and I see things in the store and think how much she'd like it and then remember that I can't buy it for her. Her death has had a positive impact on my life though. I thought about my kids and my health and how I want to be here as long as I can, I knew I needed to lose some weight and get active. So I did!! And I feel much better about myself. I enjoy doing Zumba on the Wii with the girls, I enjoy finding new healthy recipes to try, I enjoy looking in the mirror and seeing that my double chin is shrinking, I love having to pull my pants up cause they are loose!! I am looking forward to each day and getting stronger and healthier in every way.