Thursday, May 09, 2013
I'm not 100% sure what's going on with me. Could be a serious battle with fear, could be a realistic assessment of what's going on with my body. Could be weird bad-wiring-brain stuff that's just biochemical bleeping. I know that since last weekend I've been afraid I can't do the half. I know that I am having some weird pain/discomfort in my right hip socket that is likely related to scoliosis and one leg being slightly shorter than the other. I know that the novelty has worn off and I'm dealing with my propensity for being bored once I've conquered something. I know that I'm having some strange and deep emotional "stuff" going down. And I know that there is a (censored by SP) of stress on my shoulders between work and finishing my degree.
The manifest is that I don't want to train. It's deeply uncomfortable right now, physically and psychically. I think about this slogan I saw: A race is just a victory parade for all the battles won during training. Am I losing a battle? Am I ignoring signs from my psyche and body that I've done enough for now, or am I searching for reasons to quit? What am I not facing?
People keep asking me about last week's race. I let my family off the hook for not showing up. I told them it was okay. I told them I didn't really expect anyone to be there, and I didn't. But I wanted to be wrong. I wanted someone to see my finish. I wanted to be seen. Every time someone asks, I feel a stab of that loneliness. I don't acknowledge it though. I talk about my time (and don't talk about feeling disappointed when I saw my official time). I talk about the next race (and don't talk about my inner fight to even make it to that race). I talk about everything except the things I'm afraid to face. I talk to avoid my vulnerability.
So I'm sitting here right now in my jammies. I could change into my clothes and go for my scheduled tempo run. And I might. I could continue to ruminate about this, to think longingly about trails and being in the woods and focusing on moving forward, but not measuring distance and time. I don't know what I'm going to do at the end though. Keep talking into the void, I suppose. If this is just a monkey mind moment, a biochemical blip, then I'll be okay again at some point. At least I keep telling myself that. It's sort of my life raft.
(originally posted here: http://monicavsinpdx.blogspot.