Truth, darkness and hope...
Thursday, May 09, 2013
I haven't felt "normal" since I was 13 years old. That is when I started my period and it never stopped. After that it went all down hill, I watched my weight creep up even though I was super active in sports and my mom was a damn vegetarian (we ate healthy). I dealt with long painful periods that left me anemic. I battled depression, anxiety, pain, exhaustion, fatigue and infertility all silently too embarrassed to say a word to anyone. When I was finally diagnosed with a firm diagnoses of PCOS in 2007 I was relieved but all my doctor offered me was a simple, "lose weight." Let me tell you something about losing weight with PCOS, it is HARD as heck! Then he placed me on progesterone. The progesterone caused me the worst pain I had ever felt in my life. Most days I could barely drag myself out of bed I was in so much pain. I would spend hours lying on the bottom of the tub with hot water showering over me. My husband had to rub my belly and tell me to breath just so I could sleep a few hours. I was taking so much ibuprofen a day it was crazy. It was horrible. I finally stopped taking it after I couldn't even work anymore and had to quit my job. It still took a month for the pain to go away finally. I never went back to that doctor.
Instead I fell into depression. I cried about never being able to have kids. I watched my other friends fall pregnant. I struggled with self esteem and gaining more weight. I fell into a black hole. About 3 years ago I started college for a career I really love. I battled full blown PCOS symptoms, working 40 hours a week (sometimes more) and a full time school schedule at night. It was the hardest thing I went through. I wanted to give up, especially when I was so anemic my doctor talked about a blood transfusion. When my periods wouldn't stop. When stress was taking over my whole body. When I felt so bone crushing tired I would stand in the shower in the morning crying tears of pure exhaustion thinking, "I can't do this, I am so damn tired."
Something in me changed though. Something in me got stronger and I realized I didn't want to live like this anymore. I graduated in October of last year and made myself a priority. I found a really great doctor who actually listened to me. She ran me through numerous tests, helped me create a quit smoking plan, helped me create a healthy diet and stuck me on 250 mg of Metformin daily. Most of all she stressed how important it was for me to work out on a regular basis and eat healthy.
I have been taking the Metformin since January of this year. I quit smoking 7 days ago. I workout 5 days a week. I eat low processed food and stay away from high fructose corn syrup. I have gone from 330 pounds (last year sometime) to 311 pounds. And the difference is AMAZING!
I feel so much better. I am losing about 1-2 pounds weekly (slow but at least I am losing) and I am losing inches. I have energy again. I am no longer depressed or sitting idle. I have a normal period. I even have PMS symptoms (wow those suck, I am sorry ladies). I no longer feel anxiety ridden or panic attacks. I sleep normal hours. I smile. I laugh. I have hope for a child in the future. Last year I could barely walk without being in pain. Now I am starting a Couch to 5k running program and kicking ass on the elliptical for 35 minutes daily (plus weights). I am able to ride my bike to work with barely any stops. I can play tennis. I can play racquetball. I am active again.
For me, these what you would call little changes are HUGE changes. I feel amazing. I feel good. I even wear shorts and dresses. All because I found a great doctor, I started blogging, I started sharing here on Sparkpeople and I started meeting people struggling with the same things I have. I for once don't feel alone or in the dark. I have found my inner strength and hope again.
I don't ever want to give up on myself again. Because after you get past the achy knee's, the sore ankles, the "I can't do this" days and exhaustion, you come out a whole new person. I am no where near done with my weight loss journey but I am so happy to have made it this far!