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    KISSFAN1   125,210
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Family Drama & Not Getting Better

Thursday, May 09, 2013

I got a frantic call from my father yesterday informing me that he knew that he would most probably die before my mother did and that if I didn't "make amends" with my mother, that I would most probably see nothing when he died from my mother since she is revengeful.

He told me that he had never encountered anyone as revengeful as her (as if I didn't know that?????) and that my sister and I had better start having a relationship with her or never see a penny when he dies since she will most probably be spiteful to us and leave it to charity.

Well in the middle of all this, I am dealing with a very scary medical condition and not once was I asked about it. I simply told him that I was not interested in their money and knew that I would never see it and wasn't interested in having a relationship with a narcissistic person like my mother.

I am mentally stronger having walked away from her and her hurtful/revengeful tirades towards me (that I have always endured even as a child) and I told him that he had decided to stay with her and deal with her abuse, but that I had no interest in it anymore as I was an adult and didn't have to put up with it like I did as a child.

Honestly, it is all because he is being abused beyond words by her that he called me and my sister about this and wants the fire off of him and on us instead. I'm not, nor will I ever be interested in a relationship with her because it took me this long to realize that she was narcissistic and would never love or care about me or my children.

She lives only to hurt me and I refuse to live my life with that around me. My husband was dragged into it and I was told that she told my father that my husband said that he (my father) was stupid. Seriously? She's such a liar as well as an abuser because he hasn't talked or been around her since 2011 when they visited the day before my surgery.

In the midst of this turmoil I am finding that my symptoms are getting worse than they were a few days ago and I had a stupid leg cramp around 3:30 this morning that is still hurting.

I am so tired of this stupid drama and told my father that it was one of the reasons I walked away from my mother and sister (who acts so much like my mother it is scary). I have no use for people in my life who live to hurt you and get pleasure from it and create drama.

So not only am I dealing with physical issues, I have to keep dealing with emotional ones too. My father kept reminding me that Sunday is Mother's Day and I asked him what his point was about that.

Despite all that she has done to me, I always send her something for her birthday and for Mother's Day, but beginning to wonder why I do. I am having a hard time figuring out if I should cut every single tie and not even do that because no matter what I do (leave her alone since it was obvious what she wanted) I don't win. If I am around her, she abuses me and ignores my children (who have no connection to her at all).

I stay away from her and yet still can't get away from her control and fury, but made it clear that I had zero interest in their money and will and that I would be fine without the threat that was given to me. Seriously, I can't be bought with money and my family and my emotional well-being can't be bought with money by a conniving, abusive narcissistic family member.

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KISSFAN1 5/18/2013 1:52PM

    I can definitely identify with that feeling I'mjustfluffy. I look at my dad's sister's family and wish ours was close like theirs. The mother of the family really is the glue of a family in a lot of ways, and I inherited a "nutty" one, LOL.

You can't pick your family but I can pick that I don't have to take the abuse anymore and can walk away from it now that I'm an adult.

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IMJUSTFLUFFY 5/18/2013 10:44AM

    I used to do that.....look at other families & wish mine were like theirs!

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KISSFAN1 5/11/2013 7:12AM

    Thank you. I'm still dealing with my medical issues which is distressing to me, but my dr. is on vacation so can't do anything about it. emoticon I'm taking the medication I was given, but still having the same issues, although not 100% as bad as they were.



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GOLFGMA 5/10/2013 7:56AM

    Praying that your family situation and medical issues will be resolved in a good way!

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KISSFAN1 5/9/2013 6:56PM

    Thanks so much Doug, me too! emoticon

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SALGUOD2 5/9/2013 2:09PM

    All drama aside, I hope you are able to get your medical issue taken care of.

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KISSFAN1 5/9/2013 1:39PM

    I suppose since he has been dealing with cancer that he realizes (and said so) that he would most probably die before my mother. He was letting me know that he was leaving everything to my mother, but was warning me that if I didn't make contact and I suppose take my mother's abuse, that she would be the spiteful, vindictive (his words and mine) person that she is and leave nothing to me and my sister.

Apparently my sister is on her black list right now (but probably not for long since she is the golden child and I'm the scapegoat), and so he called her before he called me.

I don't talk to her (my sister) so don't know what happened with their relationship, but again, money is very important to her so I'm sure that since she is the golden child she'll be back in her good graces soon.

I just know that I will not be guilted or threatened into a relationship with her when it's all one-sided anyway and all she wants a relationship with me for is so she can blame me for everything that she's unhappy about in her life. I'm to blame for everything although I have no contact with her at all, LOL. Now my husband has been included although he has no contact either. She lies, abuses, etc. and I'm done with it all and won't be going back.

My sister has ganged up on me in the past with my mother (tag team) and I made a decision that I was done with them if that was the way it was always going to be (and it always was).

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IMJUSTFLUFFY 5/9/2013 11:49AM

    Take care of yourself!

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RASPBERRY56 5/9/2013 11:46AM

    Really? Seriously? Parent telling you that "you better start having a relationship"? If that were me, that would, if anything, encourage me all the more to keep contacts severed!

Good on you for continuing to stand your ground - and may karma do the needful......

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KISSFAN1 5/9/2013 11:21AM

    Thank you for your comments! I most definitely am past the guilt phase (it was so hard not to feel that way for a very long time) and I'm past trying to save my father and protect him by sacrificing myself. He's a grown man who never stood up to her and is still afraid of her.

I have to put myself first (and my kids and husband) for a change and that's what I have done. He's not happy with me either, but I suppose I'm used to it. I am standing my ground to him and to her abuse and I'm done with it, no matter what the threat of disinheriting me, etc. I never felt like I was her daughter anyway as she never loved me.

I told my father that (that I knew as a child that she never loved me) and he never corrected me at all. Pretty telling to me, LOL.

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ANASARI 5/9/2013 10:28AM

    Good for you, and I don't think you should look back or regret it at all. He got the luxury of choosing her. You did not... but you can certainly make that choice, now!

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KISSFAN1 5/9/2013 10:26AM

    Exactly. My mental health (which has seriously taken a beating over the years/decades) is finally half-way normal. I suppose I don't know what "normal" is since I never had it, but I can see relationships that other people have with their families and know that I at least have some self-esteem and stand up for myself now. I finally put myself first for a change.

I agree that my father could change his will if he wanted to, but didn't bother even saying anything as I almost felt like he was challenging me in a way as well. I think he is panicking because not only is he dealing with colon cancer (which thankfully so far is in remission), but he's having to deal with her craziness and being so unstable and vindictive.

I don't need their money although I am by no means rich or well off, but my mental well-being is worth more than gold to me.

I feel he is dangling the money thing in my face because he wants me to be back in her life so she can continue the typical pattern of making me the "scapegoat" so he doesn't have to endure all of it.

In other words, I am, as always, thrown under the bus and not protected by him from her since he enables it. I even mentioned to him yesterday if he remembered me asking him a few years ago about why he never protected me from her abuse as a child. I told him that he told me, "Because I was afraid she would attack me more". Seriously, what man says that to his child and allows that?

He, of course, didn't comment. He is feeling the rage of her 100% now and he's panicking and once again wants me to take the fire for him. I'm done with that and as I told him, he made the decision to stay with "crazy" and "abuse" but I chose not to.

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ANASARI 5/9/2013 10:13AM

    Amen, Kissfan! There's no amount of money you can pay for good health, and that includes good mental health; it sounds like having a relationship with your mother would undermine your health in that regard, for sure. While I realize that you aren't interested in the money, his argument isn't even really valid: he could make out a will and leave you something, if he's that concerned about you getting cut out by her. And there's nothing she could do about it, since it's a legal document; it would be helpful if he'd make one and appoint an administrator to ensure the funds get distributed, so next time he's trying to blackmail you into a relationship with your mother, then by all means you can mention that to him... if for no other reason than to get him to stop harping about it/trying to manipulate you into a relationship with your mother. I feel for him, because he probably just wants you back in their lives as an ally for him, if she's that bad with him too, but certainly it should NOT be at your expense.

I am so sorry to hear of all this happening when you have so much else on your plate to deal with (and no support!). I hope you are finding a group or resource somewhere that can help you with some comfort for your own medical stuff. I had a "cardiac event" when I was 31, and it was really so helpful to find an organized group of young survivors to make me feel not so alone. I will keep you in my thoughts that some peace will come to you soon in all of this.
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Comment edited on: 5/9/2013 10:14:40 AM

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KISSFAN1 5/9/2013 10:10AM

    I have caller i.d. so I know who's calling me. My father has been diagnosed with colon cancer (stage 3) so I'm trying to keep communication with him since I have nothing to do with my mother or sister anymore.

It just upset me because he is the typical enabling spouse of a narcissistic person so he wants me to "okay" the abuse that he endures so that some of it will roll on me instead of him. I don't think he even realizes that (maybe he does) but I let him know that while he chose to stay with her and her abuse, I choose not to.

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DOTTIEJANE1 5/9/2013 9:10AM

    Have you considered blocking his (fathers) ph number for a while? you can always unblock it , sounds like you need some peace for a while . emoticon

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