Thursday, May 09, 2013
I deleted a friend from SparkPeople today. She is someone I invited to the sight, for support. She joined and never used it. No point she already knows how to stay at a healthy weight. I just mentioned it since she was trying to get in perfect shape for her wedding and there was workout suggestions just for that on here. Really I sent her a long heart felt note stating I needed support and I needed her as a best friend. She's not a real best friend, my well being has never been a top priority in our relationship. I felt I was mostly around to hold her up. I tried to explain how I was doing and hoped she'd be supportive. Like she was while she was wooing me into our friendship. In the begging she was friendly and always had a compliment to send my way. I needed that. I think what I really needed was space, as in not living with her or shall I say at her place. She invited me. It was all exciting, we would start our craft business, I thought as parters, in all actuality she wanted to partner into any of my ideas, but only buy my goods from me. I guess I should of known, she seems to fall out of girlfriends quite often. Always worried, maybe, it could be her.
I should probably should stop there but, I need to get it out. I can't hold it in anymore. I am censoring myself. She's not the only one and also not the most heartbreaking. The most heartbreaking is a long time friend, who kept using me, over and over again after I got home. We had made plans weeks before I moved back in with my dad. We were starting a mutually beneficial business where I would use a good chunk of my savings, I had worked hard for it. I had worked in the hot sun, had been hungry and without water and only got to shower once a week if I was lucky and that was with old water with fish guts in it. I moved for a great opportunity to save and start living a better life with my boyfriend. I regress, She kept needing more and more and never could bring back any profits, and when I didn't want to give her anything more, she attacked me and acted like I was trying to F her over, like verbally attack me. So much I could barely make myself talk to her, she took another bit from me and now doesn't talk to me. Probably talks about me. I'm not sure but she was supposed to be my longest running best friend, since I was 14 or 15. The one person I always was happy to see. Well it's been months and I'm pissed, I feel used. I feel like I've been robbed and there is nothing I can do.
I just want to delete these people from my life. All of them, all the pretend friends, I need real, supportive, loving, giving friends. I don't want to compete. I just want love and genuine support.
Sorry I ranted, but this has been consuming me. I didn't feel the need to write of the other couple of people that have outgrown me. Or perhaps I have outgrown. I keep wanting to start over, but that's hard to do when you to suck it up and just be nice. Maybe I should delete facebook. Maybe that will help. I felt safe posting this here, since the few people who I've been lucky enough to friend on here, most likely won't judge my moment of weakness, when I just don't want to take it anymore.