Wednesday, May 08, 2013
I'm pretty frustrated. I've "binged" a few nights in a row and have been eating really unhealthily since my disappointing weigh-in on Monday. I'm really discouraged by the number of times this has been happening, especially this year. Things in my life are actually going pretty well... for the first time in a really long time. I think I'm holding on to a time / place that wasn't good, and even letting go of that is scary / stressful to me. Maybe that's why my eating has been bad. It is definitely connected to stress / worrying about my relationships. I'm just so sick of wishing that I were as strong and healthy as I know I can be and want to be. I am sick of making myself sick. I'm sick of feeling like a fatty when I'm actually not. I'm sick of being so self conscious about myself. I just want to know that I'm beautiful and treat myself that way. I don't want to worry about food and I want to be good to myself with what I put in my body. I'm pretty angry and feel embarrassed. But I know I'll feel better when I put it out here. I can't be ignorant about what I'm doing anymore. I can't neglect myself anymore.
I would appreciate good thoughts or prayers to be convicted about making this important change in my life, while still being gentle with myself. It's no fun to berate myself for this happening--- I hope I can simply get on track and stay there.
I am really proud of myself for not giving up! I know I make mistakes, but I do have to say that this time, I'm not abandoning my efforts even though I've had an awful week. I'm sticking it out and I'm going to make it work. I know I'm the only one who can, and I do have what it takes.