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    PATTYR81   4,022
4,000-5,499 SparkPoints

What To Do Abt High Maintenance 'Friends'????

Wednesday, May 08, 2013

I have a woman friend that I'm thinking is really a 'friend'.

What's the difference??? A 'friend' is someone that wants you to THINK they are interested in you as a person and you are friends, but they really only want something from you.

Most of the time I'm pretty good at spotting these people (esp. mom's of my dd's friends) that try to establish some kind of relationship to get me to do something for them or get something from me. Ex: buy something, contribute to something, loan them some item or clothes, watch their kids & or dog, pick up their kids from wherever.

This time, I think I really missed all the signs. Or maybe I was so thrilled to have a new friend, that I willfully ignored the signed until they slapped me in the face.

I've known this woman I'll call 'Jane' for abt 4 years now. At one point, our dd's were thick as thieves and BFFs. Abt 1 1/2 yrs ago, my dd decided she wanted to branch out and do things with other friends. She is outgoing and likes to hang out with different groups of kids. My friend's dd is a one-friend-at-a-time girl. This caused stress and my dd decided that the other girl was 'too high maintenance' and tapered off the relationship.

Jane and I enjoyed weekly to bi-monthly 1 hr coffee chats. As the girls grew apart, we tried to keep the girl's friendship going by going together to movies, amusement parks, etc. For the past 6 months, I agreed to Jane's suggestion to carpool our kids to/from school & sports events. One of her kids goes to another school, so the trips involve going to both the middle and high schools with 2 different start/end times. The kids are at the ages where they march to their own drummers and don't pay much attention to organization and time schedules. Add to the mix is that Jane is a regimented control freak and high reactor. I am way past that stage as my dd is #3.

The carpool situation is STRESSING me out! Dealing with all of the above factors on a twice daily basis is making my head pop off.

Long story shorter: I'm in over my head in this 'friendship' and need to figure out and execute a graceful exit plan. Got ideas????

I can't believe that at 53 I'm still such a people-pleaser to the extent that I've evolved into a 'car mat' emoticon

Member Comments About This Blog Post:
MAIZEY 5/9/2013 9:11PM

    Great advice here! Hope you can extract yourself from this stressful situation! Great job on identifying this feeling.

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KANOE10 5/9/2013 9:03AM

    Good luck with a difficult situation. You realize you are in over your head and need to make a change. You can do it.


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LOVINGAFRICA 5/9/2013 2:59AM

    I have that people pleaser gene too. Hate it!
Honesty delivered with kindness is always the best.
'This car pool is taking more time than I anticipated. I am so sorry but it does not work with my schedule. Hope you can make other arrangements. It was fun though.'
DON'T get involved in discussions about the other arrangements or your schedule.
And don't get hurt if uptight Jane kills the friendship, you just remain the same.
If it ends then you got rid of a parasite. If she remains your friend, then she is not really a 'friend' but only needs to learn some boundaries.

Comment edited on: 5/9/2013 3:00:35 AM

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CORTNEY-LEE 5/9/2013 12:43AM

    In these types of cases, I feel that the direct approach is best. Tell the truth. All of this running is stressing you out.

If she gets mad and haughty, then she really wasn't your friend to begin with and you haven't really lost anything.

I have no time for people like that.

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HDHAWK 5/8/2013 8:46PM

    Just tell her it's too much to deal with right now and that you can't do it anymore. I completely understand the people pleaser thing!

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RONNIEHUEY 5/8/2013 8:02PM

    Tell her you can't do it anymore. Tell her you are overwhelmed and need to take some time off.On the carpool issue.give her a weeks notice,so she s not in a bind for somebody to pick up her children. Or you could say my hubby says no,or the car is breaking down.Etc..Good luck!

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    tell her simply that car pooling doesn't fit in your schedule any more and that it isn't fair to the girls to make them be together if they don't want to be.

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