Wednesday, May 08, 2013
I am a disordered eater. I suffer from poor body image. I have dealt with scale obsession. I have spring-boarded back and forth from intuitive eating to restrictive eating (I use the term restrictive loosely because as I have learned over time there are MANY forms of it be it restricting calories or ONLY eating certain foods based off of what a book or guru says is best). I have reached a crossroads in my life and I feel like I am on the verge of a breakthrough. A big one.
I have reached that point in my life I am ready to step away from certain mentalities. It is no secret I have gone rounds with frustration over the last two years as I have tried to reach my post pregnancy goals. I have tried not to fixate on the numbers and the scale, but ultimately find myself there. I have been angry, sad, frustrated, irritated, mentally beat down because I have not been able to reach that ULTIMATE GOAL.
I certainly have not sat around waiting for it to happen. I have worked very hard. I have tried a lot of different things, I have set goals, I have plundered my way through a lot. I keep coming out on the other end disappointed, constantly disappointed.
I have realized, I am not focusing on the right things. I am not looking at the positive things in my life. I am not realizing that I can get up every morning at 5am when everyone else is asleep and bust a major sweat lifting heavy things. I am not focusing on the fact that I have a true enjoyment for eating *mostly* healthy foods, that I allow the treats, but only rarely. I am not focusing on the fact that every day of my life I wake up and work my best to be a good mom to a spectrum of ages with my kids (I do have the spectrum -- teenager to toddler). I am not focusing on the fact that I am doing my best to be a support system to my grandparents as I watch my grandma progress deeper and deeper into Alzheimer's and my grandpa's deep sadness as he loses his partner more and more every day. I am not focusing on the fact that I am damn lucky to have such a freaking wonderful husband who, bless his heart, does his best to boost up my morale as it sags daily because I can't keep up to the mental image I have of myself but knowing he keeps me on a pedestal. Most important, I am not focused on the most important thing of all: my health. I am so lucky to be a healthy person who can get up, lift heavy things, eat the food, be a support, be a mom be a wife.
But rather, what AM I focused on? The fact that I haven't reached my Ultimate Goal.
Reality check, hello!
Life is too effing short to be so fixated on the shallow things. For one, I have lost over 9 inches since January but I undermine that based off of the fact that the scale hasn't changed or my jeans size is still the same. Life is too short not to enjoy the beer with the basketball game or the glass of wine with a hot bath. Life is too short to stress out over things that I obviously have no control over. I am sacrificing my self worth. Working to attain a certain image that I think I should be. Being irritable and cranky and hating myself because of things that, really in the long run, don't matter.
Here are the facts: I am healthy. I am getting stronger. I am physically very fit. What I want is this: I want to be able to take my mindset off of the external and place it on the internal. Focusing on the love of being a stronger version of myself. Focusing on my love of being in my kitchen and fixing foods that will strengthen and nourish not only me, but the family I love so much. Being a good asset not only to my family but myself and not placing my self worth on superficial things like how good a pair of jeans fit me or if they're a certain size or if my scale says a certain number or if I remain at a 25% bodyfat.
My goals are changing. I am evolving. My focus now is to lift the things, eat the food and love myself.