Wednesday, May 08, 2013
So... I ate some Mexican food last night. Esh. That's painful to write. I'm a whirl of emotions about it today. Of course at the top of the list is disappointed and guilty. I always do this. Once the craving or whatever you want to call it sets in, I can't shake it off. I don't care about anything else no matter what I say to myself until after, then I hate myself. I do this all this all the time so I'm not surprised. But I really wanted to accomplish this. I wanted to resist instant gratification and make sacrifices for what i really want. i wanted to show myself that i can have that kind of discipline. And I didn't. I caved. Like I have sooooooo many other times.
On the other hand, I was feeling kinda miserable and psychotic. The stupid scale hadnt moved since saturday. and for a few days before that, it wasn't really moving like i thought it should be. its really hard for me to be super disciplined when its not going how I think it should. I know I should have put the scale away but I have no self control when it comes to that. So I've been freaking out for like a week now about what's going on with me. I have all these bodily issues and I don't know what the problem is and that's why the Naturopath recommended an elimination diet (her suggestion was 10 days) so after 12 days of juicing and I really wasn't feeling any better, I cracked. I only really had one good day where I felt like the sacrifice was worth it because i was feeling good and that was Saturday after I had a nap. I haven't had any of the increased energy or mental clarity or anything else I've heard from others. And then the scale not budging sent me over the edge. I don't know if I was doing something wrong or if there's something wrong with me or if I was just impatient but I felt like I should have been feeling better. Even if I wasn't losing weight, just feeling better. And it put me over the edge.
And plus i was starving. I don't know why but the last couple days I've had periods of being really hungry. I've been trying to drink enough juice but its not that simple. Our schedule at school has been all over the place since summer break is next week and I've had a few times when I can't get back to my office to get more juice and once the hunger pains set it, I'm like a rabid dog or something. And it's really hard to keep up with all the preparation with both of us working and two kids. Chris has been home most of the time and hugely helpful but the last couple days have been busier so last night it all caught up with me and Mexican food was the answer. I could have made it work without giving in and I regretted it as soon as it happened. But I did feel like I was releasing some of the pressure I've put on myself. I was telling myself things like I make the rules. I can juice when I want and eat what I want. I don't have to make myself miserable with restriction. And just because I eat one time doesn't mean I'm done with juicing. I'm not doing anything wrong. Seriously it's crazy, I either feel guilty or crazy from restricting. That's it with me. There's no in between with me.
Last night, I was reading the people magazine article with gwenyth Paltrow that just came out and she was saying that she drinks coffee with cream every morning and then a smoothie with healthy fats for breakfast and then she snacks on raw foods and has a healthy lunch with grilled chicken or whatever and then for dinner she eats whatever she wants and she works out for 2 hours a day mon through fri. That actually made me feel a lot better. If I worked out an hour mon through fri and ate reasonably at dinner, with indulgences here and there, I could handle that. I just need to be a little more strict now to get the weight off. I definitely want to cut down on sugar and gluten etc and not have it on a daily basis but I don't want to break up with it for the rest of my life. I don't think I'm ever going to have the willpower to be that restrictive. It just makes me lose my mind trying to be. I can find a balance I think.
That doesn't mean I'm done with juicing. I like juicing. It's easy and it's healthy and it does make me feel good in a lot ways. I still feel bad that I'm not going to have a perfect 30 day or 60 day juice fast with no cheating but I think I'm making it work for me. I'm back on juice today and I'm hoping to keep going till next Friday and then have a nice dinner for our anniversary and then get back on juicing again. I don't want to look at it like I slipped up so therefore I failed. I want it to be like if I need to have a meal every now and then to ease the pressure, it's ok. I can juice as much or as little as I find helpful for as long as I find helpful. Is there anything wrong with that? I feel like there is but I don't know what.
Because i feel like my main concern is getting to a healthy weight and then I can make adjustments or experiment with different ways of eating or detoxing. I say that because i get sick of going in circles trying to figure out THE best way to eat and i get so mad when i cant stick to it and it throws me off track and then i dont get anywhere with my weight. So ive got to find a way to take the pressure off AND make progress.
I know i put too much emphasis on the scale but i cant help it. however you want to look at it, I'm still fat and i cant accept it or live with it. Health is also important to me which is why I'm trying to change my lifestyle and make better choices not just eat fat free, sugar free crap. But getting to a healthy weight, a healthy BMI range is my primary motivation right now. And I've been fighting this battle for so long. And the scale is the primary way you measure that so yeah, I do agonize over every pound and I have no idea how to stop doing that. But I'm thinking if people can eat weight watchers cookies and slim fast and lose weight, then surely I can lose weight with a few slip ups now and then. I hope so. I still have this nagging fear that I'm not able to lose weight like because something is wrong with me. But I'm going to keep trying. I hope to get back to working out soon.
What do you guys think? I wish I could shake the guilt. I wish I could just feel at peace with whatever I'm doing!