Wednesday, May 08, 2013
I’m in another weird spot today. Just got my test results! I posted a super positive status, then checked my results… and I’m trying to hang on to that positive approach as much as possible right now.
If there is one thing I could knock my doctor for, it would be how they report test results. They don’t call you and explain anything – it comes in a letter. They have a new system that they just implemented that will send the letter to you online – which I just got. It does leave space for notes from the doctor but mine are usually pretty basic.
What does mine say?
“Your cholesterol is high. Increase exercise and fiber consumption, decrease unhealthy fats.”
I really want to cry. I do. I want to scream and do all sorts of unpleasant things. Perhaps I should explain why…
When I started Spark a few years ago, I got this same message from my doctor. Your cholesterol is high. Eat better. Work out more. At the time I was drinking a slurpee or two a day, eating anything and everything, and I didn’t even own a pair of sneakers. I joined Spark, bought tennis shoes, and started drinking water. I remember barely being able to stay on the treadmill for twenty minutes. My knowledge of healthy food consisted of some salads I may have tricked myself into having sometimes. My uncle had passed away in his sleep from a heart problem – and I was scared straight. I wanted to fix myself. I wanted to find myself in all my fatty skin.
I am trying to focus on the fact that I have come SO FAR from those days. I’m still not perfect, but I am not where I used to be. I gained weight last fall and I already feel bad about that, even though there was a combination of the physical therapy/medication that didn’t help me either. And then this message “Eat better. Work out more.” Makes me feel like SUCH A FAILURE. I am back where I started. Those years of effort – what came of those?
I know I should channel this into something positive. But it is hard when you feel like you’re trying and nothing is coming of it. I keep thinking back to last Friday, the day before my test, how I convinced myself not to go out to eat for lunch even though I really wanted to do it, and when BF and I went out for a nice dinner that night, I ate a turkey burger with nothing but lettuce (no bun!)
Maybe I need to see a nutritionist. I feel like I am making great efforts with food. I know I just started this cutting gluten thing but I feel like I’m on the right path and I’m not sure what to do about “eating better”…
Here is what I have as a meal plan today:
Breakfast: 100 Calorie Chobani & Egg whites with cheese
Snack 1: Weight Watchers String Cheese
Lunch: Rice cakes with Jalapeno Cilantro hummus and Chesapeake Pico de Gallo, with a Trader Joe’s fruit leather snack
Snack 2: 100 Calorie pack of dried edamame
Dinner: Spicy shrimp and veggie stir fry over brown rice
Eat better. Work out more.
I suppose I could work out much more. I could push myself and end up hurt again. Half of my brain wants me to do just that – dedicate every waking minute to working out. Get up early, give up every lunch break, stay up late. Half of my brain knows I will burn out, hurt myself, or worse.
I’m constantly battling my brain with things like food choices. I watch my coworkers go out and even my BF tells me how he eats out every day for lunch. At night I push myself to pack healthy lunches, cook better dinners, find new recipes. Maybe I need hypnosis or something. Sometimes this effort feels so tiring and I push through it, but it still hasn’t become as easy as I thought. When someone tells you that you’re not making enough of an effort – well… that’s just grand.
To top it all off – my thyroid results came back “Fine” – yes, “Fine.” I know how I felt yesterday and I just want to cry because I still have days where I really struggle. And I’m FINE?! Why don’t I feel fine? They want me to continue on my current dosage of meds. I suppose I would be okay with knowing my levels haven’t gotten worse if I hadn’t felt SO BAD yesterday.
So maybe the underlying emotion I have right now is FRUSTRATION. I think I might call my doc and lay everything out. I am going to make an effort to increase exercise – what kind and how much needs to be figured out but I have my gym bag with me today and it’s happening. But I am also going to give her my meal planning and be like “Why would this stuff cause increased cholesterol?!” Again – I know I am not perfect, and I tend to eat out once or twice a week, but I try to make good choices when I do and I have most certainly changed my lifestyle from where it was the last time she called out my cholesterol.
And I think I am going to spend some time doing more research. Knowledge is power and I have to arm myself. I want to learn more about good thyroid diets, ways to reduce cholesterol, find even more healthy recipes.
If I let myself break down now – then I really would be failing and it really would all be for nothing. I still feel like a lost person in a fat body. This isn’t me. Why be someone you’re not?
And at the end of the day, things could honestly be worse. I have a disease, I push through it. I have lost weight before and it is not easy for me but it isn’t entirely unattainable. I know I will never be perfect or tiny, but I can be comfortable in my own skin again. I’m not dying, or super sick. I would like to lose 40 lbs, not 100. I should just lace up my sneaks and get to it. I need to push these feelings of frustration, failure and sadness aside or I will never move beyond it. I am working SO HARD right now to stay positive, because I know it is what is best for my sanity.
So now you know a whole bunch about my life and my emotions and my problems, but I want to thank you for listening (reading?) because I know without Spark I probably would have given up a long long long time ago and I’m not about to do it now.