No more big pants
Monday, May 06, 2013
I've stuggled with my weight all my life. I know people say that all the time, but I mean that literally, I've been overweight since I was eight years old. I was actually a skinny child who picked at her food and could suck my stomach in and count my ribs, but then I had ear-tubes put in when I was about 5 or 6 to end my battle with chronic ear infections and when I got healthy I gained a healthy appetite. I began to gain weight very quickly, and soon became a prime target for bullies at school (I was already a little weird, but weird is overlooked if you're pretty, when you're a fat 8 year old no one thinks you're pretty). Then I began to take comfort in food, which began a cycle: eat, get fat, get made fun of, eat, get fat, feel bad about eating, eat, get fat...damn. Can't win for losing!
My weight has been all over the place over the years. When I was 15 years old, my weight creeped up over 200 pounds (which I thought was massive at the time). That summer I walked 30 minutes every morning and at fruit and yogurt for breakfast almost every day (ramen noodles for lunch and whatever my mom cooked for dinner, but hey, at least I ate a healthy breakfast), and I lost 40 pounds. I kept it off for a little over a year (although I still wanted to lose 30 more) but then I injured my back after Hurricane Katrina in 2005. I had to take steroids for my b
Iack and get plenty of rest (plust I was eating post-hurricane junk food-anything in a bag or a can) and the weight came back pretty fast.
In 2008 I started dating a guy who was into fat chicks. He didn't say it like that, but the truth is the truth. He would always keep sweets around and offer me food all the time. We went out a lot, and I always dipped into his chocolate stash. Our relationship kind of sucked too, which made me eat more. There was a period of time for about 6 months where I didn't have a job and I just layed around the house feeling sorry for myself. Twice during our three year relaionship I managed to weigh over 220 pounds!
We broke up in 2011. I lost 40 pounds. I met a great guy, and really, my life is awesome. But I'm still over-weight. And of the 40 pounds I lost I've gained 20 back. I'm a full time college student so I've been stressed out the past few weeks with final exams and all, and before finals there was income tax returns and Easter and Valentines Day and all sorts of eating occasions, so yeah. I've been stuck between 195 and 200 pounds for the past few months. I'm miserable and I hate looking at myself. I've tried working out, but I'm still not eating right and the weight won't budge.
So here's the straw that broke the camel's back: I started a new job 3 months ago. I bought two new pair of work pants a few weeks before I started the job. They fit when I tried them on, but a few weeks later it feels like they're cutting off my circulation. I have to suck my gut in all day because if not my belly will delightfully flop over my pants. It's gross. I'm miserable at work because in my too-tight pants all I can think about is how fat I am, and I love my new job! I keep telling myself if I just drop ten pounds the pants will fit just fine. I know I should just buy a bigger pair of pants (before a button flies off and puts someone's eye out or I bend over and give isle 5 an unwarented peep-show) but I just can't bring myself to buy bigger pants. Buying the next size up is like admiting defeat. It's saying "I know I'm fat and I'm not going to lose any weight, so I may as well buy bigger clothes because I'm never going to need smaller ones." I know that's not how it really works, and buying the next size up in clothes isn't the end of the world, but that's how it feels right now. I feel like if I buy the pants I've given up, and I'm not ready to give up.