Monday, May 06, 2013
Dr. B was out of town last week, so today was my third therapy session even though it's been 4 weeks. It was a lot like last time... we talked for awhile and then she looked through my food journal. My favorite little morsel of wisdom from this session was about the recovery process. I told her about an experience I had a couple days ago, when I was in a candy store buying a gift. That particular store always gives you a sample truffle, so I was standing there holding a box of candies and a truffle. While I was in line to pay, thinking about buying a piece of fudge for my husband, a tall, thin couple got in line behind me. Immediately, I felt self-conscious and decided I couldn't buy the fudge for my husband because I didn't want that couple to think I was buying all those things for myself: the short, fat girl. (I realize that is a little nuts, but I feel that way a lot... I project my insecurities onto the people around me and assume everyone is watching and judging me all the time.)
Anyway, Dr B made a really good point. She said you can't control your feelings and the thoughts that come from them, BUT you can control your behavior. If you make a choice based on those thoughts/emotions, it gets reinforced. If you choose not to act the same way you usually do, it starts to chip away at the pattern. Some patterns will go away in a few days or weeks, and others may take years.
I'm glad to know the goal here, you know? Sometimes it feels like the negative emotions and negative self-talk will never go away... but that's because I've been reinforcing it for years. Obviously it won't all disappear after 3 therapy sessions!
There was a funny moment, though, when Dr B kind of suggested that sometimes people think they were chubby kids and then they look back and realize they weren't chubby... And I was like, no, I really was chubby. I told her about a couple of particularly painful memories, like in 2nd grade when the whole class had to go around and say whether they were tall or short, young or old, skinny or fat. Obviously we were all 8 years old and the teacher expected all of us to say "short, young, skinny". Well, I said "short, young... skinny" and a girl actually corrected me and said I was fat. When I was 8. Ironically, she went into the fashion industry!
People can be very cruel, and it is so difficult to deal with emotional scars. I'm not sure that I'll ever be over some of those moments, but I do believe that I can get to the point where they don't control my actions anymore.
And now for the horrible. ironic confession: I binged today for the first time in a month. It was a really rough day. While I was walking up the concrete stairs out of the parking garage at work, I tripped, scraping up my hands and elbow and pulling my left glute/hamstring. It really hurts actually... I've been hobbling all day. Then I had to go straight from work to therapy, so I didn't eat lunch until almost 3pm. HUGE MISTAKE. I should really know better. When I got home, I ate a perfectly fine lunch... and then I ate a little more... and then my hubby went out and I ate more. I knew what I was doing was a mistake, and I did it anyway.
I feel really stupid, but I know exactly why it happened. I also know it's TOTAL BS that I'm scared that I've "ruined a streak" and will just keep bingeing. That's completely up to me, and I choose not to do it again. I recorded it in my Dr B journal and MyFitnessPal, so there's no denial here... just regret. Luckily there's always a new day and another workout.
Alright, time to go check in this Zumba class and try not to hurt my leg further. Cheers to another week!