Week 3 (really Week 4)
Monday, May 06, 2013
Dr. B was out of town last week, so today was my third therapy session even though it's been 4 weeks. It was a lot like last time... we talked for awhile and then she looked through my food journal. My favorite little morsel of wisdom from this session was about the recovery process. I told her about an experience I had a couple days ago, when I was in a candy store buying a gift. That particular store always gives you a sample truffle, so I was standing there holding a box of candies and a truffle. While I was in line to pay, thinking about buying a piece of fudge for my husband, a tall, thin couple got in line behind me. Immediately, I felt self-conscious and decided I couldn't buy the fudge for my husband because I didn't want that couple to think I was buying all those things for myself: the short, fat girl. (I realize that is a little nuts, but I feel that way a lot... I project my insecurities onto the people around me and assume everyone is watching and judging me all the time.)
Anyway, Dr B made a really good point. She said you can't control your feelings and the thoughts that come from them, BUT you can control your behavior. If you make a choice based on those thoughts/emotions, it gets reinforced. If you choose not to act the same way you usually do, it starts to chip away at the pattern. Some patterns will go away in a few days or weeks, and others may take years.
I'm glad to know the goal here, you know? Sometimes it feels like the negative emotions and negative self-talk will never go away... but that's because I've been reinforcing it for years. Obviously it won't all disappear after 3 therapy sessions!
There was a funny moment, though, when Dr B kind of suggested that sometimes people think they were chubby kids and then they look back and realize they weren't chubby... And I was like, no, I really was chubby. I told her about a couple of particularly painful memories, like in 2nd grade when the whole class had to go around and say whether they were tall or short, young or old, skinny or fat. Obviously we were all 8 years old and the teacher expected all of us to say "short, young, skinny". Well, I said "short, young... skinny" and a girl actually corrected me and said I was fat. When I was 8. Ironically, she went into the fashion industry!
People can be very cruel, and it is so difficult to deal with emotional scars. I'm not sure that I'll ever be over some of those moments, but I do believe that I can get to the point where they don't control my actions anymore.
And now for the horrible. ironic confession: I binged today for the first time in a month. It was a really rough day. While I was walking up the concrete stairs out of the parking garage at work, I tripped, scraping up my hands and elbow and pulling my left glute/hamstring. It really hurts actually... I've been hobbling all day. Then I had to go straight from work to therapy, so I didn't eat lunch until almost 3pm. HUGE MISTAKE. I should really know better. When I got home, I ate a perfectly fine lunch... and then I ate a little more... and then my hubby went out and I ate more. I knew what I was doing was a mistake, and I did it anyway.
I feel really stupid, but I know exactly why it happened. I also know it's TOTAL BS that I'm scared that I've "ruined a streak" and will just keep bingeing. That's completely up to me, and I choose not to do it again. I recorded it in my Dr B journal and MyFitnessPal, so there's no denial here... just regret. Luckily there's always a new day and another workout.
Alright, time to go check in this Zumba class and try not to hurt my leg further. Cheers to another week!
Member Comments About This Blog Post
Thanks for sharing your journey. Glad you are picking yourself up and moving on. I think we all have those days.
1144 days ago
Hey - bravo on week four/three! I'll repeat everyone else's thank-yous for sharing the lessons you've gleaned from these therapy sessions. Reflecting on them is good for you, and thinking about them is good for all of us!
I totally used to do that whole "everybody's watching me eat and is judging me by the food I'm eating/holding/standing next to!" thing. Totally common, totally sucky, and totally possible to learn your way out of that one. (I have! Keep at it!) I love the idea of doing something other than what the negative-self-talker wants you to do, in order to not reinforce (unreinforce? fight back against!) the negative self talk. Next time, baby, you buy that fudge! And eat the truffle! Because you're sooooo not a fat girl.
I've got some pretty awful fat-kid memories too... one in particular of my best friend being totally grossed out and going "ewwww!" at my flapping arm-wings in high school when I was waving madly for some silly reason. It was like a punch to the gut. But it is past tense, and I'm bigger than that now (metaphorically speaking!) History is something that we learn from, that makes us stronger, that we can accept with grace and love. So I do. Treat your childhood self like you would if you were a wise old grandma (or, you know, just turned 30...) Kids say mean things, but we are still loved and loveable regardless. Tell your inner little chubby girl that, and move on.
I'm sorry to hear you binged, but maybe you don't need to give yourself as much grief as you have over it. I'm going to venture that if you were somebody with absolutely zero history of disordered eating, you would still have stuffed your face because you'd missed lunch, you were starving, and your blood sugar was rock bottom. I suppose it depends what kind of emotions went along with this binge, but I know if I let myself get super duper hungry, I'll overeat, big time. Sometimes over an extended period of time. And it's nothing to do with bingeing. So give yourself some credit - you've made HUGE strides lately and I'm proud of you!!! Really.
Keep up the great work! Big hugs!!!
1149 days ago
Comment edited on: 5/7/2013 11:41:02 PM
I know how difficult it must have been to share the confession, but I thank you. Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday of last week, I was doing well. I had gotten back on track eating wise. However, this weekend was an emotional roller coaster, and I binged the entire weekend. I'm angry with myself. I love, though, how honest you were with yourself (tracking it and the reason behind it), and I'm impressed that you moved on from it. You've inspired me to try to be more honest with myself as well as to move on from it.
Hope your injuries heal soon.
1149 days ago
Progress is best made a little at a time. We all have setbacks (I truly believe they can't be avoided because such is Life) but it's the way you deal with them that is important.
1149 days ago
First of all, thank you for sharing your discoveries here. It's so helpful to read and really insightful.
Secondly, I had a setback tonight as well and I take great comfort in your comment, "I know it's TOTAL BS that I'm scared I've "ruined a streak" and will just keep binging." I'm telling myself the same thing.
I really liked Brain Over Binge, but the one thing that upset me in the book was the idea that if you ever binge, you aren't recovered, that recovery means never binging again. It's not that I ever want to binge again, but I don't accept that it's perfection or nothing. That just doesn't seem real.
OK, sorry for taking up so much space here.
May we both go right back to taking great care of ourselves!!
1150 days ago
Disclaimer: Weight loss results will vary from person to person. No individual result should be seen as a typical result of following the SparkPeople program.
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