Monday, May 06, 2013
I have for so long been a person who just conforms to what other people feel I should be. I longed to be excepted by people so much that I became a people pleaser just to be liked. I was know as the quiet nice fat girl in high school. Everybody thought I was so nice and of course I was heavy so I was a fat girl. I was nice to people even if they were mean to me hoping someone would take the time to get to know me. I was even thrown in trash cans a couple of times and told to stay where I belonged with the other trash.
I then graduated and thought it could all be different, but I went from looking for exceptance in school to that in men. I would date guys I wasn't even attracted to simply because they would date me. I also gave up who I was and morfed myself into what I thought they would like. I only became what thought they would like. For my first husband I even lost weight so he would stop telling how I needed to lose weight because I was fat and that embarrassed him. That need to please continued through a divorce and many relationships. I only have been able to finally realize in the last year it is ok to be me.
I have through this process of changing myself to a healthy me want to find myself. I want to get to know me again, not the person I have created to make everybody else happy. I never really have thought about it, but what makes me happy? What do I really want? I always have ignored what I want and my desires to make everybody else happy. It is a process of not only the discovery of my healthier me, but who the happier me is as well.
I am slowly melting away to the healthier me hopefully the happier one will come out and help me to be who I am.