Just switched over from My Fitness Pal and seeing how I like this site instead.
Anyway, I am a little down today. I bruised my kneecap two weeks ago, only it still stings and people are advising me to get it checked out with an Xray. I don't want to go partly because I don't have a car and partly because I don't have anyone to go with. And partly because I'm in denial. The last time I went to the ER for what I was encouraged might be a toe fracture, it was just stretched tendons. "Just." I'm still recovering from that.
In an attempt to improve my body fitness I had bought a rebounder somewhere back in December. I was so excited, but got too zealous and ended up pinching my sciatica. I started Yoga to heal that, which was working wonderfully. I had even started a Jillian Michaels version of Yoga, which was delightfully kicking my a**. Things were going well.
Then I decided to move some very heavy furniture. I didn't have anybody to call on to come help me move this stuff, so I thought if I just tried to scoot it, I'd be okay. I ended up re-injuring my back and worse. Its pinched low, the sciatica, and high, which at times makes my fingers tingle and/or go numb. I don't have money to visit holistic doctors and the conventional ones have done such an efficient job of scaring me off that I can barely manage the ER as previously mentioned.
With the new injury on my kneecap, I am unable to get on my knees now for Yoga, which is to help heal my back, which is to allow me a freer range of exercising. Like being able to haul my 30lbs bike up and down my apartment stairs. Its so depressing to come from a place of illness, anxiety, social anxiety and a few years of a very sedentary lifestyle which turned my muscles to mush... to trying my hardest to rectify my situation only to be met with more obstacles than I started with. Sometimes it feels like life has its foot on my neck!
Somedays I cry wishing for a little moral support. Other days I am ready to knock em dead. I just have to keep asking myself, "But what CAN I do?" It's all about attitude. I can't do what I planned, but I can stretch at least a little even if not to a Yoga routine. I can do positive affirmations. I can listen to audios. I can dream about eventually jogging and bike riding. I can imagine what my knee will feel like healed again. I can encourage others. I can improve my diet more, and always more. I can dream about my progress even if it feels like I'm not making any. I am making some progress, but all these tiny little steps just seem invisible.
Hopefully, these invisible steps, or so seemingly, will eventually be a strong foundation to the life long changes I need. Those types that are so sturdy that they are habitual for the rest of my life. So I can be an 80 year old granny that still takes a walk everyday and eats a good diet.
And to think of where I came from. I am self diagnosed with Asperger's, suffered from severe social anxiety the last two semesters of college. I could barely show up to class. I could barely raise my arm to signal the bus to stop at the next stop because I was so afraid of people noticing me.
And now, when I go on my walks or to the store, I'm always talking to people. The other day i was at Vitamin Cottage and a woman just started talking to me. She talked to me for ten minutes about food and health and diet and her guy friend. How awesome! I changed my anxiety around through diet and positive affirmations. I did more for myself in a few weeks time than the mental health therapists did in a month. I even quit smoking my organic RYO cigarettes on March 8, 2013!
I am getting random people talking to me more and more wherever I go. Its amazing how far I've come, how scared I used to be. It's amazing how I can feel like I've not come so far when I look at what I want. Living in the now and keeping track of all this for the purpose of relativity can be tough! Like I'm floating in space.
Anyway, its nice to have a place to dump my thoughts, since I haven't said some of this out loud before. And track my personal achievements so I don't forget. It's so easy to forget.
Don't give up. Keep going one inch at a time.