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Orbiting somewhere in Time

Monday, May 06, 2013

emoticon Just switched over from My Fitness Pal and seeing how I like this site instead. emoticon Sorry MFP!

Anyway, I am a little down today. I bruised my kneecap two weeks ago, only it still stings and people are advising me to get it checked out with an Xray. I don't want to go partly because I don't have a car and partly because I don't have anyone to go with. And partly because I'm in denial. The last time I went to the ER for what I was encouraged might be a toe fracture, it was just stretched tendons. "Just." I'm still recovering from that.

In an attempt to improve my body fitness I had bought a rebounder somewhere back in December. I was so excited, but got too zealous and ended up pinching my sciatica. I started Yoga to heal that, which was working wonderfully. I had even started a Jillian Michaels version of Yoga, which was delightfully kicking my a**. Things were going well.

Then I decided to move some very heavy furniture. I didn't have anybody to call on to come help me move this stuff, so I thought if I just tried to scoot it, I'd be okay. I ended up re-injuring my back and worse. Its pinched low, the sciatica, and high, which at times makes my fingers tingle and/or go numb. I don't have money to visit holistic doctors and the conventional ones have done such an efficient job of scaring me off that I can barely manage the ER as previously mentioned.

With the new injury on my kneecap, I am unable to get on my knees now for Yoga, which is to help heal my back, which is to allow me a freer range of exercising. Like being able to haul my 30lbs bike up and down my apartment stairs. Its so depressing to come from a place of illness, anxiety, social anxiety and a few years of a very sedentary lifestyle which turned my muscles to mush... to trying my hardest to rectify my situation only to be met with more obstacles than I started with. Sometimes it feels like life has its foot on my neck!

Somedays I cry wishing for a little moral support. Other days I am ready to knock em dead. I just have to keep asking myself, "But what CAN I do?" It's all about attitude. I can't do what I planned, but I can stretch at least a little even if not to a Yoga routine. I can do positive affirmations. I can listen to audios. I can dream about eventually jogging and bike riding. I can imagine what my knee will feel like healed again. I can encourage others. I can improve my diet more, and always more. I can dream about my progress even if it feels like I'm not making any. I am making some progress, but all these tiny little steps just seem invisible.

Hopefully, these invisible steps, or so seemingly, will eventually be a strong foundation to the life long changes I need. Those types that are so sturdy that they are habitual for the rest of my life. So I can be an 80 year old granny that still takes a walk everyday and eats a good diet.

And to think of where I came from. I am self diagnosed with Asperger's, suffered from severe social anxiety the last two semesters of college. I could barely show up to class. I could barely raise my arm to signal the bus to stop at the next stop because I was so afraid of people noticing me.
And now, when I go on my walks or to the store, I'm always talking to people. The other day i was at Vitamin Cottage and a woman just started talking to me. She talked to me for ten minutes about food and health and diet and her guy friend. How awesome! I changed my anxiety around through diet and positive affirmations. I did more for myself in a few weeks time than the mental health therapists did in a month. I even quit smoking my organic RYO cigarettes on March 8, 2013! emoticon

I am getting random people talking to me more and more wherever I go. Its amazing how far I've come, how scared I used to be. It's amazing how I can feel like I've not come so far when I look at what I want. Living in the now and keeping track of all this for the purpose of relativity can be tough! Like I'm floating in space.

Anyway, its nice to have a place to dump my thoughts, since I haven't said some of this out loud before. And track my personal achievements so I don't forget. It's so easy to forget. emoticon

Don't give up. Keep going one inch at a time. emoticon
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Hi Suzi! My daughter has struggled with anxiety for years, also. I started out as separation anxiety as a child. Your blog is so encouraging as I see all you've done to help yourself with so little resources. I too went through tough times for a long time and felt every time I tried to get my head above water it was pushed back down. Some days you can only just get through to the next minute. Be patient with yourself. Healing takes time. Change takes time. Know yourself. Your strengths and weaknesses. May we all have the wisdom noted in this prayer:

    God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

    Reinhold Niebuhr

    1656 days ago

    Thanks for sharing!

    Smile and Enjoy the Rest of Your Day!
    SP Class of May 5 - May 11, 2013
    1679 days ago
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