Monday, May 06, 2013
Many Sparkfolks write enthusiastically about participating in various challenges. They get such good results and build great relationships in the process. But every time I consider joining one I more or less freak out. To say "I will do such and so at such and such a time and I expect specific results" makes me very uncomfortable.
You know those floating white spheres of fluff with a seed at the center? I've always identified with those. They drift. They are at the mercy of forces they cannot foresee or control. They have no defenses and no plans. When I was young, this image of myself made me angry; I wanted to be able to take charge of my life, direct it as I wished. But every attempt went awry, leaving me in more difficult circumstances. Later my attitude towards those seeds changed. They cope perfectly with the unknown. They ride on the crest of forces they can't control. Without resisting, without trying to control, they thrive.
By nature I prefer to keep my options open. That's an understatement, actually - having everything planned out makes me feel choked. The personality assessment called Myers Briggs Type Indicator shows me to be a Perceiver - curious, spontaneous, random, flexible, less concerned with managing things than with understanding them, and certainly not decisive.
My weight loss goal is set out at 18 months. When I try to tighten it up, figure out where should I expect to be in 9 months, or in 3? I get antsy & don't want to think about it. It feels like I am inviting failure by structuring my expectations. I haven't been using the food tracker yet - partly because I'm saving it to be a shiny new thing to start using if my motivation flags, and partly because all that planning and intention are so daunting.
Do I need to try to push back against this? Or can I be successful in spite of it?