Sunday, May 05, 2013
I haven't had an actual binge in a while. There were times recently when I definitely ate too much, but it wasn't completely out of control. Well, last night and today, I binge ate.
When I am doing it, I really feel like I can't stop. I've noticed that it tends to happen during times when I feel completely worried, stressed, and overwhelmed. I've felt like that a lot this week, and now I am in a depression. I try really hard not to be sad, but no matter what I do it doesn't go away.
Then I start to eat thinking I'll feel better with just a little something, and before I know it, I have lost control. Last night I ate many pudding cups, I don't even know how many...5, maybe 6. I ate a bag of popcorn, the whole damn bag. I ate a muffin, and had 5 glasses of wine, so I also got drunk. No, I am not an alcoholic. I rarely drink, but last night I just didn't care.
Today I did ok until the kids went to bed, and then I ate half a pan of brownies. I feel like total crap now.
The reason I am writing about this--when I could just pretend it never happened-- is that I want everyone to know I am not perfect, and I don't pretend to be. I also want to have some accountability so I don't keep doing this.
Whenever this happens, I feel like a complete failure because I have lost control. I feel like I am letting everyone down who has looked to me for inspiration. I contemplated not saying anything, but I feel like being honest is the right thing to do.
I'm going to make tomorrow a better day. Even if I am still feeling depressed, I will make good food choices and remind myself that numbing myself with food only makes me feel worse after I'm done eating.
I read Runs for Cookies, and coincidentally she binge ate this weekend. After reading her blog tonight, it made me want to write my own.