Sunday, May 05, 2013
My dad died 9 years ago, and my mom 5 years ago, both unexpectedly. Both times my world was twisted around, and although I put on a brave face for everyone else, inside I fell apart. Even now, I miss them both more than I can describe. And I'm beginning to think my grief has a wicked stranglehold on me, and I don't know how to escape it.
I really started putting on weight after my dad died. The relationship I was in at the time was horrible, and my self-esteem plummeted. I was so very lonely - my brother and I were fighting, my mom and I weren't particularly close at the time (besides my folks divorced when I was very little, so she didn't share in my grief). That's when I turned to food when I was alone and bored.
I'd started working out again not long before my mom passed. I'd left that horrible relationship, but when she died, I went right back - I felt completely alone, and that was as close to family as I had. I stopped working out, and found myself back in my previous rut.
Fast forward, and I've recovered from that bad relationship and now have a family I love and adore, and friends to keep me busy and share a shoulder when I'm down.
But my grief is still ever present. It won't let go, and there are days when I feel controlled by it. My memories are filled with my parents, and all the things I wish I'd done differently, all the words I wish I'd said - and sometimes, not said. I still keep up the brave face, and I know my family and friends don't know how much my heart still hurts.
So it dawned on me while watching "The Biggest Loser," that maybe my grief is doing more than hurting my soul. Maybe it's also keeping the pounds on. That sounds like an excuse, but I'm wondering if I'm subconsciously sabotaging myself with negative words and body images as a way of feeding my guilt. Does that make sense to anyone else? Has anyone else felt the same?