How I want to remember this day?
Saturday, May 04, 2013
I am sitting on my counch with my legs crossed,laptop on my lap and typing this blog.I have a stiff back ,something which has bothered me for quite few days since I started a new job.Job is really stressful.Even after doing my best ,I feel ,I am not doing enough.I fail,my boss feels threatened by me and does not like me at all. My husband thinks I am worthless and always wrong.I always try to find an excuse.He wanted me to take out year old to paly and I didnt wnat to.I just dont have mood or energy.I would rather sit here and type this blog then go out and play with my kid.House is nearly clean,however ,I am still thinking what should I cook for dinner.
today ,I joined Sparkpeople. I have joined Sparkpeople before and left and join and left. Here ,I am again.My stomach is full from the bags of cheetos ,I finished (May eb ,it was half bag and three tortillas.Weird Combination ,but I ate it and ate it all and now I am feeling guilty.Nothing new for me to feel guilty.I feel guilty almost all the time.Its like I am addicted to feeling guilty and I feel guilty for that too.I have tried everything.The latest was hypnosis.Nothing works.Absolutely nothing works and the reason is my serious addiction to carbs.I jsut need carbs to feel happy and when I do realize my problem ,and have a idea about the solution,the real question is ,will this time ,it will be important for me to implement those solutions.My daughter is growing and sometimes ,I do wonder,what kind of mom I am being ,but its not motivating enough.I see these fit beautiful girls in my office,and it kills me inside but do I do something about it ?Well ,I think and I plan and then I eat.I eat a lot and then I feel guilty.Thats all I do. So here is my story at 184 lbs.