the funny side of fat : the anonymous gym fart
Saturday, May 04, 2013
SOOO....a few days ago I weighed myself for the first time in awhile (because I knew I had gained but didn't want confirmation from the unforgiving digital screen), and I had indeed gained. A lot. Okay, and then some more. I got online, joined sparkpeople, got a diet/exercise journal, and today I joined my local gym. I have hypothyroidism and have had two kids, so I'm no stranger to the weight loss train. So I walked in, went straight to the elliptical and got my burn on. About 15 minutes into working out there was this...this stench. It hit me like a brick wall; I almost fell off my machine. Yes, it was that bad. So I gained my composure and got back to frying calories. About 5 minutes later, another gust of what was now a familiar stink, this time stronger, wafted passed my face. At that point I look up and around; everyone focused and working away, no one seemed to notice (or looked guilty). So I continued, despite the drop in air quality. Three minutes later, it could not be denied. Someone had let loose. After being offended and confused about the lack of reaction from the people around me, I started to giggle. I bit my lip, shook my head and got back on track. As if set on a timer, another funky wind passed, and I couldn't help it. I laughed. Loud. How can everyone else stay so composed?! This was no regular fart, this was like a bean casserole sitting out in the sun all day, rotten egg salad sandwich left in a backpack and forgotten kind of gas. My vision was blurred. My concentration askew. All I could do was try to stiffle my laughter. Which I did until yet again, the cheese was cut. I look down, 26 minutes remaining to complete my circuit. I'm not letting someones offensive oder get in the way of my workout. Again, a new wave, which was contributing at this point the accumulated flatulence from farts prior...we were all in a swamp of funk. And I was the only one that seemed to notice. So I laughed. Not a dainty titter of a laugh, oh no. The laughter burst from my throat, followed by loud screams, shrieks, some howling, and even a few snorts. I couldn't stop; it was out of control. All I could think to do was pick up my phone and pretend I was having the funniest conversation of my life. Until my phone rang. Which made me laugh harder. I answer my fiance with a sobbing, snickering mess of noise. He thought I was in danger, I barely got out "I'm fine", but I knew I couldn't explain the source of my outburst. Everytime I would calm down, I'd either start thinking about not laughing or another dense cloud would waft passed my face, starting the tears and convulsing all over again. This continued until the end of my workout. I didn't cool down, I didn't check my stats...I got my stuff and ran like MY ass was on fire. I made it outside the now bio-hazardous room where I passed a trainer in the hall. "Looks like someone enjoyed their workout!" Oh, if you only knew.