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Saturday, May 04, 2013

Mitt Romney gave a commencement speech where he advised graduates to start a family before they turn 30. He also advised them to pay for it by inheriting millions of dollars. -Conan O'Brien

An elementary school here in New York City has become the first school in the country to serve only vegetarian food. Apparently the school board wants to give kids a head start in being difficult at restaurants. -Jimmy Fallon

So they're handing out hussy pills (Plan B) to 15-year-old girls like Chicklets, but I still need to show my passport and provide a DNA sample to buy some darned Sudafed. How am I supposed to make my meth? -Stephen Colbert

Researchers now believe the first settlers who settled in America, in Jamestown, resorted to cannibalism. The first settlers ate each other. Good thing that didn't catch on. That would have changed Thanksgiving, don't you think?
-Jay Leno
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