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rock bottom aint no place to be!!! (and i can see it from here)!!!

Friday, May 03, 2013

I give up on trying to figure out how many calories I should be eating daily.
And I also give up on figuring out how to stay under that limit, once I do figure it out!!!
I reset my calories recently, as SP had set them somewhere around 1900, I lowered them to 1600, which I personally still felt was a little high.
But now I find myself even having trouble staying under that.
I just cant seem to stay at that range and I dont really OVEREAT.
Today I didnt really overeat, while I did go over my calories by 300..mostly it was milk, I choose not to drink the super skim milk, and I go for 2 percent.
I am drinking alot of milk right now trying, hopefully succeeding in increasing my vitamin d.
And yes, I know there are foods that contain vitamin d that arent as high in calories.
I just feel defeated.
Woke up early this morning, my plans were to go to the court hearing for my friend to get his bond reinstated, which I kinda knew wasnt really going to happen.
But I didnt go.
Cleaned my house and sat outside in the sun, while it lasted, which wasnt long.
He didnt get out by the way and I wasnt surprised.
Life goes on.
As the day wore on, I felt ok, I went and took care of some mail and visited the market.
Then I came home and got depressed.
Not really sure why, irrational thoughts I guess.
Feeling neglected by friends and wishing I had a hobby or a part time job that would help me take my mind off these endless wandering thoughts that swim thru my veins like a fish in the sea!!!
Feeling the loss.
My best friend is no longer a daily part of my life, in fact, if we speak 2 times a week we are lucky.
But for me right now, the thoughts and depression I am feeling is all internal.
I am just really sick and tired of thinking all the time.
Wondering why I cant lose weight...after having lost 71 pounds, I gained back 8 pounds and havent taken off another pound since and I am sick to death of thinking about it.
Worrying, tearing at it, pulling at the seams and turning it over and over in my head.
Tired of feeling these angry thoughts, sad thoughts, lost thoughts.
I just want to lose weight, that is all I want...once again, to get back to where I was in January and I hate this damn contraption that is strapped to my foot 10 hours a day....
is it doing anything???
is it helping my bone to heal??? am I an idiot for believing the doctor when he says it will?
Will I ever be normal and start losing weight and get over the hurts and stresses I have been thru?
2013 has totally royally and with much fanfare SUCKED!!!!
That is no exaggeration....Since Day 1....the whole year so far has been one big ball of dog excrement on the bottom of my brand new 80 dollar walking shoes, which I have only worn to the walking track 3 times, cause that is all I have walked in 120 days!!!!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I'm so sorry you're feeling so awful. I have been through depression - and that's certainly what you're describing - and it's terrible to be imprisoned in your own mind!

    This suggestion is so small it might actually be infuriating, but it was a key part of my own recovery. I bought a notebook and carried it with me everywhere for a month. Each day, I wrote the date on the page and started a bulleted list that began with "remembered to start the day's happy list." That was the first victory. The second was often "made it to work at a reasonable hour" or "noticed a pretty view" or "wore decent clothes" or "showered before noon" or "enjoyed breakfast". Whatever I could think of - each and every teensy tiny good thing that happened during the day, I wrote it down. Thing is, people love to add to a list...we just naturally start looking for things to put on a list once it gets going. And, in the process, I was ever-so-briefly interrupting the mantra that had taken over my life: "I'm so unhappy. I'm so unhappy. I'm so unhappy."

    Depression is a deadly illness, so please please take good care of yourself and consider enlisting professional support. In the meantime, maybe my notebook trick will help a little.

    You've been through a lot. It really will get better, though.
    1687 days ago
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    1688 days ago
    Having dealt with depression for decades, sometimes it just isn't your fault. Sometimes you have to talk to a doctor about meds and counseling. You're doing a great job blogging about it, but do reach out for help when you need it. Life is too short to spend it in misery. Wishing the very best for you.
    1688 days ago
    Wish I could give you a big hug.

    Just know things will get better.

    Tomorrow is a new day. Give yourself permission, just for tomorrow, not worry about anything. If you have trouble doing that, write all your worries down and put them away. Get back to them another day!

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    1689 days ago
    Sounds like you have a lot going on. Good job for blogging about it. It helps process things. Just know you have the strength to get yourself out of this, stressing out about it makes things worse. Try to channel that stress energy into answers to solve the problem. I know easier said than done, but I know if I think less and do what I know instead, it can sometimes help. You have came so far, you know you can do it. Continue the things you know work. Don't give up now, you have accomplished so much! Just breathe, set small goals and take small steps....good luck!
    1689 days ago
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