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a moment of weakness, a whole morning of talking myself off the ledge...

Friday, May 03, 2013

first, i need to make it clear, i do NOT mean any disrespect to people who have had suicidal thoughts! (by the title of this blog).

so, yesterday, i was at work (hospital). i really made a connection with this one patient's family members, they went out to lunch, and bought me TWO hotdogs, and a bag of potato chips! emoticon . i didn't have the heart to say no, and i didn't have the will power to just dump them (i would have felt soooo guilty), and i didn't want to give them to anyone else, they got them for me! (lol!) emoticon , so, i ate ALL of it! emoticon , and you can imagine how i felt after... emoticon emoticon

so then i started my routine inner monolog... "wow, THAT was stupid, how do you feel now?" emoticon

"well, since a totally screwed up, i guess the whole day is wasted!" emoticon

so, i proceeded to go home, and eat a whole can of spagettios with meatballs! emoticon

so, then the monolog continued... "REALLY? how far do you want to take this? don't you have any will power or self respect? don't you remember those blogs you just wrote a few days ago???" emoticon

"oh, well, guess it doesn't matter, i am such a loser." emoticon "and anyway, i get paid tomorrow, and i KNOW i would LOVE a BLT pizza!" (side note... a BLT pizza is a pizza with bacon lettuce and tomato AND mayo, sounds yucky, but it is A-MAZING!) emoticon "i might as well continue this eating junk food!"

so, i went to bed, feeling HORRIBLE. got up this morning, thinking of starting my day with doughnuts emoticon , and then havin my pizza (for the record, i could eat pizza EVERY day! it is so versitle, so many different ways to have it... sorry, i digress)

but, something happened. i DID start thinking about the blog i wrote the other day, "fit self talking to fat self"... i started thinking about the visualization i have of my "fit self". i got my self a cup of coffee, and thought some more... it was a moment slip up, yes, i am gonna hafta pay for that slip up, do some extra work outs... emoticon , but i can still eat right today... and exercise today, i STILL have a choice about how i live and choose today, right?

i still feel TERRIBLE about bad food choices yesterday, but i don't have to "punish" myself today. i am still talking to myself, but the fact that i HAVEN'T made junk food choices YET is a step in the right direction. before in my "fitness journey", i would have SPED emoticon to the bakery and followed up by goin' to pick up a pizza. emoticon

do i still dream about eating that delicious pizza? do i still crave and want it? YES! (duh) i guess like an addict still has cravings for that "high", so do i...

but i think that i have stepped back, and re-assessed if i want to continue the self destructive behavior. i have been depressed about my friends going to a huge karate training (i couldn't go, too much money), and those of my friends that are grading for their black belts, and i was feeling jealous. oh! and i have gotten my period, that i haven't had in months, so i think these things have added to me wanting my comfort food. i think i have taken a moment, figured out what i was doing to myself, and my journey, and did my visualization, and it helped! i know every day, i am gonna hafta make the choices, but i am starting to think differently, and that is a HUGE step for me.

i saw a cool quote yesterday, "if life isn't going the way you want it, it is time to stop hanging out with your PAST and start hanging out with your future!"

one small victory for my fit self! emoticon
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    The best part of your blog was when you realized one day of eating doesn't define you, Today is a new day! Good Luck
    1778 days ago
    Well done on pulling yourself up instead of letting one little slip be your excuse to crash and burn.
    I'm sure you'll get more practice at this, emoticon
    1780 days ago
  • HOLLYM48
    Good job on deciding to stop the cycle the next day and get yourself back on track. It is not an easy journey but having this site to go back to and to read your other posts and have the support, it makes it easier. Keep on pushing to get healthy and be the best that you can be. You have come to far and you are so worth the effort it takes to win this race!
    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1781 days ago
  • ANGGEL40
    Way to go taking that step..great attitude..like the quote emoticon
    1781 days ago
    Every small victory leads to another and anther. Soon that "big victory" is here and you are celebrating! I used to be similar. I'd "mess up" and then proceed to eat anything I could. I've finally mastered that demon!

    Keep at it. You've made one positive choice and it WILL lead to more of them. emoticon because if I can do it, emoticon !!!
    1781 days ago
  • SARIC3
    Love the quote. Way to be strong. Sending you some strength for the rest of the day emoticon
    1781 days ago
    What a great way to deal with what happened. I love the idea of your fit self talking to your fat self. I found your blog post very motivating and a real life way to cope with all of our inevitable "slip ups." I put that in quotes because I think the bigger picture shows how you made a difference in a family's life that day. Enough so that they felt inspired to buy you lunch (not the one you would choose of course). Sounds like you got yourself out of the whole thing with your awesome coping skills. emoticon
    1781 days ago
  • JOHGLO2011
    Amen to what ROBBIEB7 said! Everyday is a fresh start - one bad choice day doesn't have to become a week or a month of bad choices! You are thinkin' right!!
    I love your quote too - good advice to us all!
    1781 days ago
    Always we begin again! Every day a new beginning! Every day is the first day of the rest of your life! I keep trying to tell myself those things. Thank God for new beginnings and all the first days!
    1781 days ago
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