first, i need to make it clear, i do NOT mean any disrespect to people who have had suicidal thoughts! (by the title of this blog).
so, yesterday, i was at work (hospital). i really made a connection with this one patient's family members, they went out to lunch, and bought me TWO hotdogs, and a bag of potato chips!
. i didn't have the heart to say no, and i didn't have the will power to just dump them (i would have felt soooo guilty), and i didn't want to give them to anyone else, they got them for me! (lol!)
, so, i ate ALL of it!
, and you can imagine how i felt after...
so then i started my routine inner monolog... "wow, THAT was stupid, how do you feel now?"
"well, since a totally screwed up, i guess the whole day is wasted!"
so, i proceeded to go home, and eat a whole can of spagettios with meatballs!
so, then the monolog continued... "REALLY? how far do you want to take this? don't you have any will power or self respect? don't you remember those blogs you just wrote a few days ago???"
"oh, well, guess it doesn't matter, i am such a loser."
"and anyway, i get paid tomorrow, and i KNOW i would LOVE a BLT pizza!" (side note... a BLT pizza is a pizza with bacon lettuce and tomato AND mayo, sounds yucky, but it is A-MAZING!)
"i might as well continue this eating junk food!"
so, i went to bed, feeling HORRIBLE. got up this morning, thinking of starting my day with doughnuts
, and then havin my pizza (for the record, i could eat pizza EVERY day! it is so versitle, so many different ways to have it... sorry, i digress)
but, something happened. i DID start thinking about the blog i wrote the other day, "fit self talking to fat self"... i started thinking about the visualization i have of my "fit self". i got my self a cup of coffee, and thought some more... it was a moment slip up, yes, i am gonna hafta pay for that slip up, do some extra work outs...
, but i can still eat right today... and exercise today, i STILL have a choice about how i live and choose today, right?
i still feel TERRIBLE about bad food choices yesterday, but i don't have to "punish" myself today. i am still talking to myself, but the fact that i HAVEN'T made junk food choices YET is a step in the right direction. before in my "fitness journey", i would have SPED
to the bakery and followed up by goin' to pick up a pizza.
do i still dream about eating that delicious pizza? do i still crave and want it? YES! (duh) i guess like an addict still has cravings for that "high", so do i...
but i think that i have stepped back, and re-assessed if i want to continue the self destructive behavior. i have been depressed about my friends going to a huge karate training (i couldn't go, too much money), and those of my friends that are grading for their black belts, and i was feeling jealous. oh! and i have gotten my period, that i haven't had in months, so i think these things have added to me wanting my comfort food. i think i have taken a moment, figured out what i was doing to myself, and my journey, and did my visualization, and it helped! i know every day, i am gonna hafta make the choices, but i am starting to think differently, and that is a HUGE step for me.
i saw a cool quote yesterday, "if life isn't going the way you want it, it is time to stop hanging out with your PAST and start hanging out with your future!"
one small victory for my fit self!