Friday, May 03, 2013
I am in a BAD SPOT TODAY people. NO GOOD.
I had my doctor’s appointment Monday, and I knew she’d order blood work. It is how the thyroid process is done. I knew this, I know this, I will continue to know that blood work is how the way they learn what to do to make me feel better.
My BF’s first question that night was “When did you schedule your blood work?”
Me: “Um… I didn’t.”
BF: “Remember a few months ago when she gave you a form ‘to-go’ and you never did your test? You're never going to feel better if you don't get this test!”
Me: “Uh huh.” [in fact, the previous test order is still sitting in the same spot as when I brought it home, in the mail basket by the door. Oh god since before CHRISTMAS.]
BF: “So… when is the blood test?”
Me: “I’ll figure it out.”
And I sat on it. All week long. Yesterday my mom went to see the doctor, we use the same one, and she texts me something like “Saw Doc, Already got blood work done, picking up meds and back to work!” and I was like……………………… wait wait wait. I say this as lovingly as possible – but my dysfunctional mother managed to nail this process, and I couldn’t?! So I bit the bullet and went online to make my appointment and the first one I could get was for tomorrow. I have to do the whole fasting thing, so I can’t just “walk in anytime” unfortunately. For me – the quicker I find out I need this and get it done- the better. Totally surprise me, tie me down, don’t give me any time to think about it, because if you do…
Well, that is where I am today. Sick to my stomach, shaky, just absolutely terrified. I’m a wreck.
I suppose I should back up a bit – I have a BAD history with blood work. I have passed out before, several times. It started when I was about seven years old. I made it through just fine, sat down in the lobby to wait for my sister’s to be done, and hit the floor cold. Wisdom teeth at 15? Same thing. First round of thyroid testing at age 20? Same thing. It nearly happened during my root canal and the surgeon goes “YOU are ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE” to which I was like “Yes, I am very nervous” and he said “No – you were numbed, you had your eyes closed, you had no idea what I was doing. You have Vasovagal Synecdoche” which is fancy for “Your body hates needles, and it reacts by engaging your flight or fight response and your body just flights” – Oh.
Knowing I likely have this problem (the testing for it is horrific, they essentially try to get you to pass out in as many ways as possible, so I have avoided a formal diagnosis) makes me have insane anxiety about blood work.
My approach so far has been:
- Have someone else drive me. It is just a good idea. I’m not safe on the road full of anxiety on the way there, and I’m not safe when I’m at risk of passing out in delay after the test.
- Have that person get my mouth going. Last time I whined to my sister how my mom always hates our Christmas presents. My boyfriend usually asks me about dogs and I’ll blab about those. I ignore everything else that’s going on as much as possible. When they tie me up and start swabbing there is usually a lot of “oh my god, oh my gods” hahaha.
- I lay down. This is the BEST approach. Every time I have done seated has NOT ended well.
- I bring something to eat right away after I’m done. You know how when people donate blood, they give you juice and stuff? Well – I have to give so much for these tests that I have to eat right away. It is crazy.
- Bribery. This time my boyfriend said he’d take me to get a slurpee right after. Woo hoo!
I guess I thought that by typing this all out and releasing it, I’d figure something out and feel better, but so far… not so good.
I keep telling myself like “You’ll be fine, you’ve done this before, you’re a grown up, you just bought a car which is like a million times more difficult so what is your problem with this?!”
I know the worst case scenario is I pass out, BF takes me home, whatever. I kept telling him last night I was going to die and he goes “Okay, can I have your car?” (omg!)
Anyways, short of finding myself some black marketing anxiety meds – anyone have any advice? Besides grow a pair? Lol – I already know I need to do that. But how?!?!
Besides that, it is supposed to be a lovely weekend. I hope to get outside. If I survive this blood work tomorrow morning, that is.