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Miscarriage Was a Gift

Friday, May 03, 2013

Warning -- this entry is completely off the topic of healthy living and probably should be written on some other type of blog, but this is the easiest place for me to put it.


I miscarried a baby last November. Sometimes I struggle with calling it a 'miscarriage' because it was so early, about 5 weeks. In fact, I only knew about it for two days before I started to suspect I was losing it. I bled on and off for a week more until the debilitating physical pain and the hCG tests confirmed that the pregnancy was gone. You might think that all this would leave me right back where I started, but strangely, it hasn't. If I am not meant to have a child at this point in my life, I am still grateful for the gift that was the miscarriage.

Still hours before dawn, a pain so insistent it woke me up. I'd been having what I was trying to convince myself was spotting for several days, and I'd begun to suspect that I would not meet this baby. In the middle of the night, feeling the coming-and-going aches in my belly, I realized that there was no more hope. My body couldn't keep the baby, but my mind and heart still felt the call to mother.

I understand that as a parent, you can't always give your child what they need. There's a great deal of the work of growing up that they must do on their own. In the same way, you can't force them to make decisions that you want for them; they will have to make choices for themselves. Sometimes all a mother can offer is her presence and a promise to stay with her child as long as they need her. That's what I could do for my baby.

I quietly breathed in the darkness with my baby for an hour. With each cramp, I sent out the message, there you are! Here I am. I am here with you. I love you. You are not alone. But you can do what you need to do. If you have to go, I understand. In this moment, my presence and your presence is enough. It is an honor to spend this time with you.

Some might think it morbid, lying awake feeling my baby die, but it was one of the most beautiful and sacred gifts of my life. And in that moment, in the pain and the joy, with gratefulness, I knew I was a mother.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I lost my baby on June 14, this year....had to have emergency surgery because she was in my tube not my uterus causing it to rupture. This is a truly beautiful post, thank you for sharing. And to you and all the other moms who have lost, I am truly sorry and you are not alone.
    1656 days ago
    What a wonderful way to look at a traumatic experience...and yes, five weeks is early, but you still were pregnant and had hope. I lost my first pregnancy at six weeks, about a few days after I had told the world I was pregnant....I heard people like me now say, it happened to me, we understand, and look we have kids now...but I grieved my lost hope for awhile. Healing wishes for your body and your heart.
    1695 days ago
    Thank you for this beautifully written account of your experience. I don't think it was morbid at all. You took something traumatic, and you grew stronger from it. Good luck with your future.
    1695 days ago
    I didn't see this blog until today but I understand what you mean. This was how my 1st miscarriage was. With each "contraction" I cried but knew what it was going

    Big hug your way.
    1696 days ago
    emoticon emoticon
    1696 days ago
    Wow I had one in February and it was the most painful thing I've ever gone through physically or emotionally and this brought tears to my eyes.
    1697 days ago
  • LAYNE143
    I am so sorry for your loss. But what a beautiful message you gave to your child. And this blog entry is a beautiful legacy to your journey.
    1717 days ago
  • LAYNE143
    I am so sorry for your loss. But what a beautiful message you gave to your child. And this blog entry is a beautiful legacy to your journey.
    1717 days ago
    Your writing is beautiful. Thank you for sharing this tender story.
    1717 days ago
    I just happened to come across your blog. Unfortunately, I have no words to say that can help. However, I do want you know that you wrote your story in such a way that there was beauty shining through the heartache and pain. Your devoted love as a mother definitely shone through. emoticon
    1722 days ago
  • DSJB9999
    I am so sorry to hear this story of your miscarriage. You dealt with it very strongly as you have written it. Sending you love and good wishes. emoticon emoticon

    I too miscarried early and after bleeding it was checked at my 12 week scan, however I did go on to have a baby (had an early scan at 7 weeks and said I will be very surprised if you can see a heartbeat and the midwife said 'be surprised then'!) Don't give up hope!

    A miscarried child is still your baby in your heart and wil always have a place in your heart but clearly was no healthy enough to survive.

    emoticon emoticon for sharing
    1722 days ago
    I am so sorry. I can not have children.
    I miscarried as well.
    I wish there was something I could say to
    ease the pain, but I know there are no words.

    1723 days ago
    1723 days ago
    All things there is a season.
    1723 days ago
    I love this. I find a lot of beauty in sad times too. I am so sorry you miscarried your baby. It's clear that when you ultimately have a baby to bring home, you will be a wonderful mother.
    1723 days ago
    I'm not sure what to say, but I felt like I should say something. Your post brought tears to my eyes. I've always wanted to be a mother, but we have had problems conceiving. Good luck to you in your journey.

    And no, I don't think it was morbid at all. Sometimes, you know what you need, and it can help you through difficulties.
    1723 days ago
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