Thursday, May 02, 2013
Today I have just felt blah, and down and like hiding my head in the sand. And unfortunately that led to not exercising (other than walking the dog) and eating too much. I know what the problem is, and I'm determined not to let it impact me tomorrow.
But I need to get it out, so I'm just going to dump it all here.
Since April 2011, I've been having Pap tests every six months because I've had abnormal cells show up and I can't get 2 clean tests in a row. It's very frustrating because it doesn't seem to be enough abnormal cells for the doctor to make a definitive diagnosis, but it's enough that something keeps showing up. Anyway, on April 9, 2013, I had another Pap test and colposcopy. On Monday April 22, I got a call from the doctor's office saying that I had been scheduled for a follow-up on May 7th, as the doctor wanted to discuss my results sooner rather than later - sounds like some potentially cancerous cells have been found on my cervix. So on May 7th, I'm going in for further exams and a biopsy. To say I'm scared is an understatement. I'm terrified.
I'm also really having a hard time hearing from friends of mine that they are pregnant. And while I don't want kids, it's nice to know that I had the option. Depending on what exactly is found on May 7th, I may just have that option taken away from me. And as a 34 year old woman, that really is a hard pill to swallow.
I want to be happy for them. But it's so hard when it looks like my world is potentially going to be turned upside down.
The only good thing to come out of this situation is that my youngest sister has really stepped up to be there for me. I told both of my sisters the day I found out about the follow-up appointment. While having a 3-way chat with them, my youngest sister sent me a message and said she wanted to come to the appointment with me. I didn't accept right away because she lives 2 hours away from me, has a 2 month old baby and is finishing up her final practical placement for her nursing degree. This past Saturday, she sent me a message and told me that she was not taking no for an answer. She had made arrangements at her placement to make up the hours another day. So on May 7th, she, her bf, and my nephew are driving to Ottawa and she is coming to my appointment with me. She asked if Cohen (my nephew) could come, as she thought I'd like some baby snuggles. When I told her that she didn't have to make a special trip for this, she replied "Kathleen, I know I don't have to. I want to. Plus, I don't want you going alone to this appointment."