Is this what you call support?
Thursday, May 02, 2013
Warning: This may just be a rant. I don't feel like I complain that much on my blog, except about how I, myself have let me down but this entry, my friends, is going to be a different story.
It actually started from the beginning. When my husband and I met, I weighed a svelt 142 pounds. I fit into a size 10 and I knew wholeheartedly that I was d.amn sexy. Over the past decade, hubby has seen me gain 100 pounds and only lose 30 of them. I try to put myself in his position and think about how he feels. And then I remember that it is actually not that difficult, because I have been there. Hubby weighed 145 when we met and as of last year got up to 218. See any similarities? Now, due to a lifestyle change that didn't involve any exercise or change in eating habits (ahem, he quit drinking beer, ahem), hubby is now back in the 170's and feels very comfortable there.He must have been underweight in the 140s because he looks pretty perfect where he is at now.
A couple of years ago, hubby started suggesting strange methods that he thought I should do in an effort to lose weight. Now, I love my hubby and I feel badly that I am posting this for all to read, but I just need to put it out there and get some support in return. I feel lost and hurt and betrayed and weak as a result of the 'support' my hubby is trying to give me.
First, he suggested that I begin to smoke as a way to lose weight. Just for the length of time it took to lose the weight and then I could stop and live skinny and smoke free. No joke guys, this has been suggested.
He has also suggested that I get the lap band and gastric bypass. This made me cry and he apologized afterwards for suggesting it. Although he continues to bring up the idea occasionally. I have tried to explain how I felt that it wouldn't really fix the problem (which I feel is emotional more than anything) but he just doesn't seem to get it.
Recently, hubs has brought home Nopalina, which he saw on a commercial and guaranteed weight loss. It also has Senna in it, which is incredibly addictive and horrible for you in large amounts. Sigh. He was pre-making 32 oz water bottles of this stuff for me to go to work with. I dumped it for a few days and then told him it was making me feel sick.
Two days ago, he came home with a two piece exercise suit that looked to be made of spaceman material. It was a sweatsuit that he thought I should wear while exercising to increase my weight loss. I couldn't think of doing anything any more embarrassing. I keep picturing myself strutting around in the gym with that thing on. Shudder.
Today he saw one of our mutual friend's picture on Facebook. She had lost 18 pounds over two weeks doing an all juice diet. I bet you can guess what he did. Yep, he wanted me to jump on that bandwagon as well.
I have tried to convince him that these methods are not going to work for me but he just will not listen. And then I begin to get down on myself. The method I have chosen isn't working as well. I haven't lost a significant amount of weight in over a year. Of course he doesn't believe in my course of action. It isn't getting it done.
Like I said, this is a pity party post. And I've got to say, I am feeling pretty sad for myself right now. I love my husband very much, but I feel very alienated by him at this point. I won't change in front of him, I sleep pretty covered up and sexy time has pretty much become non-existent. He just doesn't understand. He will make these suggestions and then say that I am perfect that way that I am. Or if I become defensive, he will just say that I am actually upset with myself and taking it out on him. H.ell, I might be. Who knows.
I don't know how to keep going on this journey and actually get him on board and believing in me. I want to prove that I can do this without any magic tricks or scary solutions. But I can't seem to. Do you have to have a strong support system in order to be successful? Where do I get one?
Thanks for listening.
Member Comments About This Blog Post
First of all - HUGS! This must be so hard for you! Please don't give up! You CAN do this! Maybe try having a talk with your hubby? I'm sure he MEANS well, even if his approach sucks.
1515 days ago
So many have posted very sage advice and I agree, you need to find what works best for you and change it up when it stops working. Maybe you could write your DH a letter, spelling it all out, allowing you to compose your thoughts and either give it to him, read it to him, or burn it when you are done. It could be quite cathartic.
1516 days ago
There is a commercial for some weight loss gimmick diet aide that sums it up, It is a cartoon man an woman and the woman says "my husband and I decided to loose weight so we cut out junk food; he shrunk 6 sizes...I shrunk 1" Men have more muscle mass and often can make what seem to be small changes in what they eat or drink and drop pounds where as we can't necessarily.
I'm sorry you are having all of these feelings. Your hubby is probably just trying to "fix" what is causing you so much grief-he loves you and probably sees you are not happy because of your weight so he is trying to fix it. They often have good intentions and poor executions when they try to "fix" but it's guy logic and usually comes from a good place.
You have to figure out how to love yourself now at this size (any size), find your sexy now, do you need a little make over? Do some things that make you feel good about the body you are in currently! If you can start thinking positively about yourself you will start walking taller and feeling better and be more confident and you will be amazed how you will want to continue to feel good and you will feel like you can do anything including slim down to a comfortable weight and healthier life style! Not to mention the spark will come back between you two-again you are his wife, he loves you no matter, what so if you are putting out the sexy vibes he will pick up but if you are shying away from him he thinks your not interested in him.
Don't let your weight define you! Love yourself as unconditionally as your hubby does, he didn't marry you for your size 10 jeans!
1516 days ago
My poor husband has hung in there with me even though, like you mention, I keep trying and not succeeding. I think your husband is dead wrong in his approach and am glad mine hasn't done that. He has suggested a few times that if I have tried the same thing over and over and it doesn't work, I have to ask myself how I can change it up to make it work (not with wild gimmicks, but maybe dealing with the emotional piece? analyzing why you fail?). I analyze the behaviors that make me fail and then just try harder to not exhibit that behavior. But that isn't good enough either. We have to go a layer or two deeper to find out what positives we get out of the bad behavior and why we need that positive. What's driving us to constantly return to hurtful behaviors? That's hard work and can uncover things we don't want to face. Best of luck to you in your journey. I wish I had the answer.
1516 days ago
Comment edited on: 5/3/2013 10:34:07 AM
It's much easier for men to lose than women. Is it any wonder you're struggling when your husband is doing what he's doing? You need to do this in a way that works for you. You need to lose the weight for yourself and not for someone else. I think when you feel like someone is watching every move you make it makes it that much harder. Tell him to let you do it your own way.
1516 days ago
I feel your pain. My DH stopped drinking soda and lost 40 lbs. And he would tell me I could lose that too (I already didn't drink soda), but maybe I wasn't working out hard enough? He meant well, still does, but just flat doesn't believe that women's bodies don't shed weight like men do. So I don't have any answers for you, but know that I sympathize. Keep on the path, my friend, it will get better.
1516 days ago
If any of those methods actually worked we would all be skinny! Tell him to save his money!! Track your food and exercise diligently and that will work.
1517 days ago
Sorry to hear that hubby is suggestions the wrong things. You are actually right in coming to sparkpeople to change exercise and eating habits. Tracking what you eat and getting at least 30 mins of exercise 4 days a week will get you there. My husband is very impatient for me to lose the weight too but luckily I have 114.4 out of 153 lost! Programs work slowly, you will get there! As others have said, let him know what he is doing is not helping.
1517 days ago
I am so sorry that you are having to go through this with your husband. But, men are totally different from women: in the way they can drop weight so easily, in the way they think, the way they talk, everything is different. They are men. We are women. And I think he thinks he is truly trying to help you, but doesn't realize that he is causing stress which is probably causing you to eat more, plus it is demoralizing you. You definitely need to talk to him and tell him to step back and just support you in any way that YOU choose to lose weight. After 33 years of marriage, my husband left me for a skinny, younger woman. Year after year, he sabotaged my weight loss by buying cookies, donuts, candy, encouraging me to "eat up"....and I did. You definitely don't want a gastric bypass because many people have severe issues after that surgery (or die), nor do you want a lap band because it is very difficult to maintain (I have one) and you learn what fattening foods you can eat that go smoothly through the band. I finally had to make a decision for ME...that I wanted to like me again. You need to clean your kitchen of all tempting high fat, empty calorie, high unhealthy carb foods and start over again. I don't buy hardly anything in a box or can or bag any more. It is hard at first, but I know you can do it! I am just beginning, I have lost 15 lbs. and I feel better already. You must make a decision to change your mindset, to do it for you. As women, (most of us) marry and we quit taking care of ourselves because we put others before us as more important. It becomes a downward spiral and the only person that can stop that is you. I know that you can do it, because have begun to do it. We can't change our husbands, but we can tell them how what they are doing makes us feel. I have faith in you and I know you have the strength to change your lifestyle!
1517 days ago
Is it wrong that I just want to go over and kick his butt?! What people don't understand about a weight loss journey (even if they've been successful in their own lives) is that you have to find what works for YOU. If you ask him for a solution, then he can feel more than welcome to suggest an idea (or several goofy inane ones). But if you're not asking, he shouldn't be offering up these 'solutions'.
They're not solutions. They're bandaids. Like you said, a huge part of it is emotional, and that won't go away when you put on a spacesuit.
Bless his heart for trying to help you get where you want to be. And I'm sure he's doing it with the best of intentions. But dang, he's driving your esteem into the ground. Not helpful. Not healthy. Tell him, gently, that you need to find what works for you and if you need his assistance, you'll let him know. It's an extremely personal journey and you need to be uplifted more than anything.
We've got your back :)
1517 days ago
UURRGHHH, I know he loves you very much and with him loosing his weight, he wants you to be the same...caring for you in this way is his way of performing "Solutions" Guys are awesome at problem solving but awful about listening and giving what I call "purring" (what cats do on the lap and thats the best love holding hands, cuddling, Public affections or other affections). He may think there is nothing wrong with providing solutions however, he is a man.. Just knowing he wants to help you is more than what other woman have in their life.. so it does sound as if he wants to support and help just need to teach him another way to do it. Right now its just hurting your self esteem and he doesn't realize it... so he won't be able to read your mind so you will have to tell him so.
You need to sit him down and tell him how it makes you feel when he "tries to help you in this wrong way" and its making your self worth go down. You need to TELL him what you need and want. Guys don't read minds and they can't guess.
Suggest to him of starting to do things together like taking walks or get into Frisbee golf or something together that is active together... have him help you in the kitchen and suggest that doing things together, eating healthier and having him show his affections to you will help you loose weight instead of these unhealthy dangerous ways. I would LOVE IT if you did this to me....... I would love it if you said this ... I would love it when we do this together...
When he starts to do things on his own when you prompt him, encourage that with praises and gratefulness. I feel so much better now thank you!!! You get the idea. LOL
Teach him healthy things to say, things to do for you, things to get for you, teach him... you can teach a old dog new tricks, he just doesn't know how yet. But that is where you come in and guaranteed when you tell him, that this will help me loose weight for when you do that or this, he will be sure to do it!
Good luck hun and don't get so down, This is hard but you do have half of your battle fought for you because he is a support for you, he just doesn't know how to be yet..there are tons of spouses who will not be any support at all... plus you have all the support here on sparks too... train him and teach him! I will know you both will grow stronger together and bond much more !
1517 days ago
Comment edited on: 5/2/2013 2:03:06 PM
All I can say is I am so sorry!!! I don't understand your husband at all and I know it must be very hurtful especially when he gives you conflicting information such as telling you are perfect yet then trying to change you!
I am very fortunate in my own husband has never mentioned my weight although I have gained steadily since we met. He does not call me beautiful like he did in the beginning of our relationship 5 years ago but he does still compliment my looks (ie. when dressing up for church or going out, etc).
I wish I had an answer for you and wish you the best!!!!
1517 days ago
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