Thursday, May 02, 2013
In my favorite group we got onto the subject of an emotional baggage. If our parents play a role in the weight department. Believe me I'm not saying my parents caused me to eat and eat and to gain weight. I know that I have control over what happens to me. Though I realize I do have a control problem. I let people effect my emotional and physical self. One of my ultimate hangups is how people view me. But did they play a role in the emotional part of the weight gain. The answer to that question is of course they did to some degree.
I was always a chubby kid not quite obese but not skinny either. I was always a little bigger than the other girls. (The average) In Junior High I started to get breasts. I was a C cup my 7th grade. It caused a bunch of unwanted stares from boys and girls. My weight had started to form then. Mostly because I was buying baggier clothes and stayed with my head in a book. I did try and go out for volleyball and in the middle of practice had the coach demonstrate to pick my arms up and place them over my breasts. It was needless to say horrific for me. One of the most embarrassing stories I remember to this day.
The other is being told by my father that I was a whore. I was 14 years old and he thought that my boyfriend and I were having sex. He was older than I was and of course that is what he wanted but I was dumped because I wouldn't. But to have my dad say this to me is something that I still can't forget. It's been almost 20 years and I can still here him say that clear as a bell. After that relationship and comment I really started packing on the pounds. I was trying not to get noticed by boys or my father. Stayed holed up in my room reading when I wasn't in school. At first I didn't even notice when the weight started coming on. Then I looked down my senior year of HS and noticed I was wearing a size 26. How does a 16 year old get to be almost 300lbs?
My dad has always made fat jokes sometimes at me. He still does till this day. What's funny to me is that he isn't a skinny guy by no means. He used to be but not now or then when I was gaining all the weight for the first time. But he really has a fat phobia. In fact he told me the last time I saw him I could go weeks without eating. I think I have become numb to him or I just push it deep inside and when I start really thinking about things let the hurt come out. My mom used to be a buffer between us. She really never had anything harsh to say about the weight. Just that when I was losing weight she would say how good I looked. My mom was the food pusher though being as skinny as she was she could eat anything which meant she thought I could as well. Not to mention when she was full she would offer me hers. But saying no was an option sometimes I did it and sometimes I didn't.
I started losing weight the second half of my senior year. I got down to 212 and then I started going out with Brandon(my husband). Got happy and moved out and then next thing I know we were eating out a whole lot and I gained everything back and then some. I pretty much have been about the same size for 10 years. Right when my mom got diagnosed with cancer I got up into the 400 mark. That's when I knew I had to do something. So both my husband and me are making the change in our lives.
So far I have lost 79lbs. It's been a long journey and it's not over nor will it ever be. I'm never going to be one of those people who can eat anything and not gain weight. It's really just a new way to look at life. I know that holding onto things or blaming our parents isn't something we can afford to do. The thing to do is to forgive. Forgive them and most importantly yourself. That is what's hard to do. Some days are more of a struggle than others. But that's life!