Playing It By Ear
Thursday, May 02, 2013
First off - I just realized that yesterday marks the 1 year anniversary of my starting this journey. I can't believe it! So much has gone on and happened since that day I made up my mind and started counting calories and eating healthier in an attempt to change myself for the better. It's so hard to believe that a year ago yesterday I was 64 pounds heavier in flesh and about a million pounds heavier in my heart. My marriage was exhaling it's last breath, and I was struggling not only with the drastic changes occurring in my life but coming to terms with the fact that I was a very depressed young woman who realized that she had to conquer herself as much as her heartbreak to be happy in life.
I have come so far from that person it's like I am a completely different person! It's amazing to even thing about. Even though I haven't been having the greatest time lately, I can't help but feel so proud of myself for how far I have come since them, and how much farther I intend to go on this journey. Perhaps a year from now, I'll be writing about how I've reached all those goals and am doing even better! The possibilities are exciting!
The past two days have been really, really hard. It's difficult to see exactly how far off the wagon you've gotten until you try to get back on, and it's been quite the eye opener for me.
By some amazing feat, I kept yesterday at 1552 calories and the day before at about 1424. Considering I had a few slips, I'm amazed I was able to stay that close to range (only 52 calories over on day 2). On Tuesday, I walked into work with healthy packed lunch in hand only to discover about three dozen cupcakes circulating through the break room - and yes, I had one (thankfully it was disappointingly low quality, and I have zero desire to have another one!). After lunch, a co-worker was intent on buying me something from the vending machine to share on a mutual break, and I was barely able to choose the 100 calorie pretzel bag over the king size Kit Kat bar. Barely. On top of that, today I came in with another healthy lunch in hand, only to have co-workers with the same lunch break as me want to go out to eat, then another passing around a bag of candy with white chocolate Reese's in them! TEMPTATION EVERYWHERE.
The good news, though, is that I think I handled these temptations pretty well. Yes, I had a cupcake, then one Reese's and went out to eat the following day. However I indulged in a small amount and was able to keep within range by altering my after-work snack-slash-mini-meal. And I was able to persuade my co-workers to have lunch at a place I was able to count calories and stay more or less in range. Honestly I don't know how I was able to give in to the temptation yet still stay on track. Is it a victory because it all worked out in the end, or should I consider it a loss because bottom line, I gave in regardless of being able to compensate for it?
I've decided that it's a victory, because planning a successful diet is a lot like planning for life. You can organize and pre-plan every single calorie days in advance, but there are always going to be those curve balls that come out at you out of nowhere and you have to be adaptable. Being able to indulge in a cupcake or eating out for lunch without throwing my goals out the window is a huge success, because that means I can continue to live my life without being consumed by sacrifice or missing out on certain experiences. I guess it means that I'm showing signs of being able to live successfully with this change long-term, and that I'm capable of sticking with it without falling off the wagon again. Playing it by ear is a good quality to have, I think. As long as these indulgences are in moderation, and in the end I'm mindful of my overall goal for the day and staying within range. Practice makes perfect.
And to continue with the food theme, it's so nice to have groceries in the house again! Even though I'm not a particular fan of cooking in general, I enjoyed having a long lazy morning before work yesterday and cooking a huge pot of my delicious, ridiculously low-calorie beef stew. It's nice being able to have a bowl of this or a cup of that at my leisure and still know that I'm being healthy about it - oh, and not feeling guilty because I don't have to be! One thing I've learned in that department is that, even though it's important to have moderation, I shouldn't force myself to eat certain things just because their nutritional content suits the goals of my diet. That is, after all, one of the main reason I fell of the wagon.
My mother set aside one of those big-as-your-face cookies for me, and it's currently sitting on my desk beside me, wrapped up in aluminum foil. It's been there for two or three days, and I haven't so much as opened the foil to look at it longingly. Haha I haven't given it back to my mom for someone else to eat, either, but I haven't eaten it myself! I think it's a perfect representation of my current state on my journey. Back on track, but very wary and fragile in it's current state. Seeing it still there completely untouched reminds me of the strength and willpower I have deep down inside myself, but it's presence is also a direct reminder that my cravings and weaknesses are there inside of me too. As long as I acknowledge those cravings, I think I can resist them - and maybe when the calories for the day are right, I will be able to take a bite - just one! - and be able to put it down and away and be completely satisfied. I know that is in my somewhere! Even though I don't fear my suddenly snatching that humongous thing and gobbling it down in a weak moment, I know that I have the desire to do so, and must be aware and accepting at all times.
So there the cookie sits! Haha my philosophical, big-as-my-face cookie.
I know there will be sushi for dinner tomorrow, because Thursday is always Sushi Day with my co-workers who love the stuff as much as I do. I'm going to be a good girl about it and stick to the ones I know the calories on and plan my other meals around it so I stay in range for the day (should be easy with this delicious stew!). That combined with the chicken thighs I have to bake and the 80 calorie Fiber One cereal (that stuff has been a lifesaver!), I think I have enough good stuff to last me until payday, and hopefully when that comes around I still have enough excitement and ambition to frolic back to the grocery store and stock up on my good stuff. Haha that reminds me that I haven't made bacon-wrapped jalapeno poppers in several months, and those things are like 300 calories for a dozen! My mouth is watering already haha.
My mood is already back on track with my calorie tracking, even though it's only been two days. I hope this trend continues. And I hope that everyone out there is having a fabulous day today! Make great decisions and feel great doing them!