Wednesday, May 01, 2013
First off: it has been 7 days since I dyed my hair and it turned out ‘Carrot Top Red’. The first few days it didn’t really fade but the last couple it’s fading more, and is now down to a rather darker dull red. The red is dulled down by the natural ashy blonde color of my hair. Still though, it looks nice on me, and still fits my complexion well. It probably actually fits my color better than if I had the hair color I actually wanted, which would be a very much lighter color, like ‘Strawberry Blonde’. That color would probably be too much of a contrast to my skin and look less ‘natural’ on me.
Now to the tough stuff. Chuck got home from work last night at 10:30 pm and picked a fight, which then turned into a doozy. This ONLY took him 30 hours after he said, “he understood my reasons for refusing to help with the costs of siding”, to retaliate. It was a stupid fight, picked solely for the purpose of stressing me out right at bedtime so I wouldn’t sleep well. Why? Because EVERY TIME I am improving my life, or dieting and getting thinner, Chuck HAS TO UNDERMINE ME. Chuck’s sole purpose for the past 40 years has been to keep me totally isolated, ‘crush’ my soul, ‘own’ me, and keep me as ‘property’. As long as he keeps me crushed and broken down - either physically or mentally - then he can accomplish those things. And, when I start fighting to get my head above water, making improvements in my physical health, being more secure and confident in myself, and stronger so I can stand up and take back my life; well, that just will NOT be tolerated.
When we were together his abuses were of the most extreme sorts, and he did indeed ‘break me’. Since I ‘left him’ his abuses have been: stalking, smearing my name around town and having others hating on me and hostile acting to me, getting in my face with his fists raised over me for up to an hour (for my crime of going to the grocery store or post office). And, when I kept getting the cops involved he became more subversive in his efforts: picking fights and then saying “that isn’t what he meant”, saying “I won’t do it again” and then doing the same thing again within a day or two, and then again saying “I won’t do it again”. Round and round. And, expecting me to keep excepting his apologies, give him no consequences, and trust that he won’t do it again. Is he crazy?! Am I crazy?! Cause geez, how many times have I done this dance with him. Not that I wanted to; just that I didn’t know how to handle it.
So, anyway, last night Chuck picked a fight at 10:30 pm, which wrecked my nights sleep. So, last night I “set a consequence”. I told him, “A week ago when you started acting out I told you I had the DO NOT KNOCK on my door, CALL ONLY.” And your response to it was, “Yeah, I saw it.” And, I said, “Well you’ve kept knocking. And, I’m telling you to stop. Cause you are coming home from work and harassing me with a fight to undermine my success on my program.”
So, tonight we watched 2 hours of Dr. Phil shows on extreme abuse like Chuck has done to me. I thought it would give him some insight. Well, right after the shows he went downstairs, seemingly fine. And, then immediately came up and knocked on my door. In essence telling me he is going to do any danged thing he wants, whether I like it or not! I just walked over and locked my door.
He has been taking Mocha at nights for a few months now: to give me a break and also so he can enjoy having a dog (as his have passed away). A couple of months ago I learned that he was having Mocha sleep with him. During the day I was having a really hard time with Mocha, and it was in part due to Chuck undermining Mocha's training. I would try to have Mocha follow certain expectations, and Chuck would let him do anything, even behaviors that put him at serious risk. So, I let Chuck know that “If he didn’t stop undermining Mochas training, and if he didn’t stop letting Mocha sleep with him (since Mocha wasn’t well behaved enough not to get up and do himself harm), that I would keep him from having Mocha. Well, last night I am sure he was having Mocha sleep with him again. Cause Mocha was loose. When I confronted Chuck he said he wasn’t - that he hadn't gone to sleep yet, but I don’t really believe him.
Then tonight when Chuck picked a fight the second night in a row, I said, “That’s it!” He didn’t admit anything about Mocha, but about the other stuff he again said, “I won’t do it again.“ I said, “You do any dang thing you want, the most horrible things, and then you say those meaningless words of "I'm sorry.".Well, I’m not playing. You are just continuing your abuse in these ways.“ --- Then I took Mocha and brought him home.
My harried day: Had a dentist appointment, binged, dealt with a couple more contractors, went and looked at one of the contractors work, binged some more.
Today was supposed to be my 800 calorie day. I guess it will be my “FREE, eat anything day”, and the day meant for FREE eating will now be an 800 calorie day.
Hopefully the stress will start getting better and sleep will once again improve. Because I am blocking all contact from Chuck in the late evening hours. And, if he wants to stir up a fight in the earlier part of the day I will have to put a stop to it. And will have the rest of the day to settle down.
Tonight - since the 9:30 pm fight (1 1/2 hours ago) - my BP has been so high that my face is still HOT, my neck burns, and my insides seethe.
Oh, his reason for all of his bad behavior starting up again:
~ He’s stressed because 2 of his bosses are retiring, and 2 employees he directs are also retiring; and he find this much change all at once overwhelming. (Maybe he’s scared that the next boss will fire him when he reads what’s in his file…) He does have a hard time ‘breaking in’ bosses, and many of them treat him horribly. I would imagine that is just due to something they see in his personality (though he does seem able to smooze everyone else). Only this last boss was around when the bad report was put in his file, and has a really valid reason (that I know of) to hate him. His current boss has wanted to get rid of Chuck for at least the last 13 years, and has even taken me aside and told me how much he despises Chuck. (I just listen for however long I feel I can't get away, and then say “I gotta go.”)
~ Chuck is (rightfully) stressed over the financial expenses with the house. At some point the financial obligations of the property may very well sink him...
I used to feel a lot of guilt over the financial burden I asked him to take on with this house - so that I wouldn't lose my dogs or end up in the nursing home - but I have felt less and less guilt as he has continued to find every subversive way possible to abuse me.