Wednesday, May 01, 2013
well day 5 an 6 have been a bit worse. I've been like my own personal rain cloud. Extra moody and gloomy so allow me to rant a little.
I was at least a little prepared for it since day 5 is where I quit before so I'm digging my heels in. I was happy yesterday that the scale said 161.6 which is the lowest I've been on this journey. And that was only when I juice fasted the last time but then I crashed and burned and went on a food binge so that number didn't stick around very long. It was nice to see it again. But I'm so ready to be done with the 160s. And then this morning I was UP 2 oz! 161.8. That was a let down. It's only day 6. Should I really be stalling out now? Other people are losing 10+lbs the first week. Why not me?? I just saw a little note i wrote from back in october where i was 171 and that really irked me. I've only lost 10lbs since october!! and the thing is, i don't even consider this real weight loss. Cuz I know if i were to quit this fast now, I'd gain it all back. Pre-fast I was hovering between 166 and 169 so thats a 2-5lb loss since october. All that wasted time. and I'm still fat! Yesterday a student actually touched my belly and asked if I was pregnant. And I don't think I was wearing something that made me look pregnant. i felt like crying.
And not only that but I've been on this whole head trip about my looks. I was looking at myself in the mirror yesterday and genuinely felt like I was looking at an ugly person. I know that's really harsh but its true! And what are you supposed to do about that? I know it's not healthy but that doesn't mean I can snap my fingers and find myself attractive. I don't even know what to do about it. I don't know a thing about make up or hair. I kind of resent make up. Like, if I was comfortable with my looks and was using it just to change things up or whatever, that would be fine with me. But to NEED it to feel attractive just doesn't sit right. Maybe I have to come to terms with it though. Cuz I think a lot of women feel that way - they dont like how they look without make up i mean. I mean I know women who won't leave the house without it. But what do you do when you're 30 years old and clueless about that stuff? Where do you go to learn it? Any time I've experimented on my own, I always thought I looked silly. But its really unnerving to look in the mirror and not like what you see and not know how to fix it. Is this a detoxing symptom?? haha. (i wish) I just want to feel like I'm beautiful for once in my life. I know its not the most important thing but it would be nice.
Anyway, that's my little head trip. besides that, I've been tired and NOT sleeping well at night which is the complete opposite of what everyone else says during their fast. My throats been all constricted which is the most annoying thing in the world. There's nothing i can do to relieve it except get steroids which I really don't want to do. It happens when I'm getting sick or having issues with allergies so maybe I'm fighting something off. I don't think I've noticed many detox symptoms besides the lack of energy and the headache which i think is more lack of carbs than anything. I have noticed the last 2 days especially that my arms and legs are slightly tingly and achy. Just a little. But that's about it. Tomorrow is one week so I hope I turn a corner and get some energy. I'm starting to freak out about the energy thing. If THIS doesn't work, i don't know what I'm going to do. I can't live my life so tired all the time. But I know I've got to see it through and give it enough time before I can worry about that.
Not giving up. Day 5 you didn't win this time. And neither did day 6.