Wednesday, May 01, 2013
I was going to call it a wrap up but how predictable is that? End of my first month back. One of my worst character flaws is fear of commitment. It has a lot of side effects/related defects like procrastination and avoidance, but its all fear anyhow. Fear that I will fail. Avoid setting goals out of fear I wont make them. Iv joined the 'clubs' on SP like BLC and then dont participate. WTF? Im afraid I cant keep up, that its too much commitment. Its like almost as soon as I join something, or say Im going to do something Im trying to get out of it. Its terrible on SP because I have no real accountability. If I make plans with a friend, by gosh I can regret it all I want, Iv been taught you dont back out on people. I will be accountable to a friend. I haven't been making many plans with friends lately. Like at all. Problem solved. I had a friend I was walking and hiking with last Spring, but now that she pregnant with a toddler, shes not really able to go. Kind of gets me off the hook! But where does that leave me, really? Yeah, um, still out of shape-hows that working for you D? I really should find someone to exercise with who will hold me accountable, but-well, maybe some other time. See? Avoidance! Procrastination! Ugh!
Anyhow, April done, got pretty close to that 1000 min mark. Im not going to put in print that I want to make that my goal, because remarkably I will find a way to make it not happen, but its there in my heart-I want it. I also want to lose 5 pounds in May, now Im not saying thats my goal mind you. Just throwing it out there. Which brings me to another sore point-we are going to the beach end of May. I LOVE the ocean. I haven't been to the ocean in 3 years. I am DREADing having to purchase a new swimsuit almost as much as Im dreading wearing it in public. No, recant- the purchasing will be more painful. The trying on (think Cathy cartoons) The expense. If I knew I looked good the cost would be easier to take. Since Im not skinny I cant get just any ol thing off the rack and expect it to look decent, Im going to have to go Lands End or something. Oh the horror! I haven't bought a new swimsuit in 5 years, since I was skinny(er) the last time. As I heard Joyce Myer share years ago, its the dread that makes it painful, not the actual event. So, I will go back to the old prayer I used when I first hear her say that, "Lord, please help me to not dread." Worked ten years ago on a totally different issue, no reason it wont work still!
Also, just in general, plans to keep up with C25K, keep at Ripped in 30 and keep going to my Zumba on Sundays. But no goals-frankly I think I might be allergic.