Tuesday, April 30, 2013
I just got finished watching a documentary called Super Skinny Me, where two women were trying to get to a size 0 or 00 from a size 12 in 5 weeks or something like that. One of them developed a slight eating disorder, or at least was showing the signs of being on the verge of one. She talked about how slowly she ate and how she played with her food. They talked about her feeling guilty for eating. She would think she would think she was eating too much, when it was a normal amount. She tried colonics as part of the experiment. She at one point tried purging (not part of the assigned experiment).
It made me think back to when I was 12, I started off my eating disorder eating really slowly.. Then I'd cut out certain foods. Then I'd eat very little. Then I hardly ate at all.
This made me think about myself in recent times. There have been several occasions in the past couple of weeks when I have been out with my family, say getting frozen yogurt. We'll all get the biggest cups available. (Normal for us.) When everyone is done and ready to leave, I've barely made a dent in mine. My mom gets really mad and yells. She's like, "next time you're getting the little cup!" Which I have no problem with, but still... It places the focus on me.. because then my sister starts looking at me and is like "Oh my god! We can't take her anywhere!" Last week, we went to Golden Corral, which for all who don't know is a buffet. I only got one plate of food and no desert. (Which is like a crime committed against my mother's wallet.) Luckily it was near closing time so my family didn't have time to complain.
Every time my mom complains my mind wanders back to a time when I was 12. Me, my mom, and my little brother were in a McDonald's drive thru. I got a happy meal, as my mother was aware of my new eating habits. I ate 2 fries and 1 bite of my single patty hamburger and said I was full. My mom looked at me in disgust and gave the rest to my little brother who gladly ate 2 happy meals.
I feel like I'm getting to that point again. I think it's stress. I've begun eating slowly. I'm really depressed. I prefer liquids over food. If I eat food I pick at it forever or offer most of it to my son or little brother. Hunger pains don't even phase me anymore. My appetite suppressants don't help the situation (prescribed to me a while ago to counteract a medication that makes you eat like a madman).
I think my mom is pretty aware this time around. Every morning I get really nauseous. At first, we suspected car sickness. Lately, though, she's been asking if I've eaten. She offers to take me out to eat a lot too... When she comes and picks me up from school (I live at home while in college) I most likely have a headache and am really tired. I am constantly thinking about exercising or food, but am so fatigued I go to sleep instead of working out.
I hope I break out of this soon... I almost want to cry, because as I typed this I realized what was developing. I think I was meant to watch that specific video tonight.
Sorry my post was so scattered. I have a hard time thinking in order. It's all a big blob, haha.
See what these final exam stresses are doing to me!? lol :) Kidding. I think.. Life in general is probably getting to me... not just school.. though, I'd say school is a big part of it.
Hope you all are having a wonderful night/day!