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Should my feelings be hurt?

Tuesday, April 30, 2013

So my oldest daughter is a senior in high school this year and is getting ready for prom and graduation. I have been trying to do things to make it memorable for her, but she doesn't seem to acknowledge my efforts.

For example, I asked her what she wanted to do for her 18th birthday (which is in July) and she said she didn't want to have a party, that she planned on going to the beach with her friends. She said we could have a graduation party for her instead. That is actually a good idea because we are limited to only ten people being able to go to her graduation and we have a lot more family than that, so a graduation party would be a great way to get everyone together to celebrate her achievement. She graduates on a Thursday, so I scheduled the party for that Friday. I made up the graduation party invitations at work and brought them home last weekend. When she saw them, I didn't get the reaction I was looking for. Instead of, "Cool, a graduation party! I can't wait!" She said, "I don't want a party. Why are you doing this??" I reminded her that she said to do a graduation party instead of a birthday party and she said, "Well, you can have a party but I may not be here!" Now, this was her initial reaction. Soon after that I could tell she was behind the idea because she got on to PowerPoint and made up her own graduation party invitations (which kinda hurt my feelings that she didn't like or appreciate what I had done but I didn't say anything). She made a list of friends she wanted to invite to the party, which combined with the list of people I had already put on the invitation list, is going to make for a pretty big party. Crisis averted.

Regarding prom, she and I had planned to take the day off together (me from work, her from school) and I was going to take her to a salon in Dallas to get her hair and make-up done. Well, then she found out that the school is only going to give out prom tickets on the day of the prom so she has to go to school that day in order to be able to go to prom. She was pretty disappointed about that. She had decided to go to a friend's house to have her do my daughter's hair and make-up instead. Then last night she tells me that her Aunt Ashley (my sister-in-law) called and offered to pay to have Tori's hair and make-up done after school on the day of prom. If I would have known that my daughter wanted to do this (time will be limited so I am not sure how this is going to work) I would have arranged it. I called my local hairdresser today and made an appointment to take my daughter on Saturday to talk with her about how she wants her hair done so my daughter can decide if she wants to have her do her hair. If not, there is probably someone else in the salon who can do it for her. I texted my daughter to tell her I made the appointment, and instead of "Thanks, Mom" I got, "WHAT? I told you Aunt Ashley was taking me to get my hair and make-up done."

She's not normally this spoiled, but I don't know what to think. She has been a pretty good teenager up to this point. I don't want to lose her now! I welcome any words of advice from my Sprak Friends...
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  • PICKIE98
    In answer to your question: YES. Your feelings should be hurt, BUT the last part about you making the appointment, was something you chose to do after she made her choice.
    I agree with Colleen about sitting down and asking her what she wants at the party. Let her go for the other things and let the chips fall where they may. The lesson here for her is : I will have to live with whatever decisions I make. If her hair and makeup look awful, ,,OH WELL...

    As far as the party, get a pad and paper, make a list of things you will be able to provide, $$ of things and how far you will go towards the whole party. Mom and Dad are paying, DD cannot add things parents cannot afford. Also, leaving family and party to be with friends is an absolute no-no.
    Teenagers are selfish creatures, normally. Later on in life, they regret some of the decisions about how they treated family and others, but it is a life lesson.
    You can give DD a great party and know that everybody will be glad you did!
    1759 days ago
    First let me say thanks for the comment on my blog. On this, it is a hard one. I think it is the age more than you are losing her. She is graduating high school, about to turn 18 and become an "adult" but in your eyes she is still the little girl. She has a lot of things pulling her in different directions. My oldest is about about to turn 20 and she was the same way at the end of her senior year. Everyone is telling them they are about to be adults and enter the world so they start trying to assert themselves. I just let my daughter have some independence but also laid out the rules she has to live with if she lives with me. I need to remind her of those rules now and then, but once I explained why I have the rules she didn't try to push back near as much. I think more that she is trying to make everyone happy and trying to do it all, so to speak. Not sure if that makes sense, but it is hard and stressful for everyone. You also, just since your little girl is growing up. It is not easy for the parents either.
    1761 days ago
    sorry you are going through this right now- grad/prom is not only a major milestone for your daughter it also is a milestone for you as a nuclear family. Communication is so important and somehow there are some important gaps between you and your daughter. Take her out for " coffee"-talk as "adults" somewhere on neutral ground, remind her that you love her, are proud of her and want to work together with her to make her day memorable(remind her anut Ashley will have her own family to share their special day with and she is intruding- or maybe have someone tell Ashley that for you )n The only way this milestone will be filled with happy memories is if you start from a shared agenda-no secret goals or plans- and work together to achieve them. At the end of the day- it is your daughter's achievement that is being honoured, and sometimes as parents, we have to step back and allow the honoree's choice to win out. She is still a little girl trying to make adult choices and needs all the love and guidance you can give her
    1762 days ago
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