I have spent a lot of time thinking, reading, researching....
I am quite angry at myself. I had my "come to Jesus" moment when I read The New Rules of Lifting for Women book and it touted the EAT MORE mentality. It is a hard concept for me to grasp when I have spent a lot of time restricting, turning to intuitive eating only to feel guilty for eating and then to return to restrictive eating.
The pattern disturbs me then disgusts me. I.Have.Had.It.
I found a VERY interesting blog online: gokaleo.com/2012/08/21/p
that totally supports the EAT MORE FOOD mentality. She has a book called "Taking Up Space" www.amazon.com/Taking-Up
that I also bought. The calculators in the blog state that I am not eating near what I should be to support my TEE (total energy expenditure). According to the calculator I should be eating upwards around 2500 calories a day.
Yeah, shocking. However, I find it quite interesting, that when I just allow my hunger to guide me, I am eating pretty much that. I have been tracking what I eat all day in my Fitbook and then plug what I eat in the nutrition tracker. Most of the time I am spot on with what I should be. Interesting.
She backs up her philosophy with a lot of scienc-y information. How eating 1500 calories a day is only messing up the metabolism. ::slaps hand to forehead:: no freaking wonder I have spent so much time hungry! Oy!
It is a hard paradigm to shift to. A completely different mindset to switch to when we're conditioned by the Industry that eating is bad and calories are bad and hunger is bad. Why? I hate being hungry. It throws everything off for me. I am grumpy, I get irritable, I am snappy. I hate the feeling of being hungry. I am eating the food. I have been down the path of disordered eating. Bad body image. I am working very hard to repair it. It is a daily struggle. It is so easy to point to everything that I dislike about myself and hard to find the things I like. I think back to the only times I didn't hate my body: when I was pregnant. I loved being pregnant. I felt so alive, I was amazed of what my body could do. I loved feeling life. I want to get back to that place of being able to appreciate myself and my body. Not hating it. It is such a horrible chain reaction for me. I weigh, I get upset, I hate myself, I get frustrated.
I have given up the scale. I haven't been on it. The only thing I see the scale good for is my relationship with gravity. I am finding as I delve deeper into my lifting program it is totally false. Last time I checked, I have gained over three pounds, however that being said, I am dropping inches. I am to the point that I really don't care what it says. It is a number and it does not define me as a person as long as I don't let it.