Tuesday, April 30, 2013
I guess, along with the fear and anxiety of hubby having a terminal disease, is the knowledge of how fast our time together will go. Even if we get that four years (average life expectancy at this point), I am so aware of how fast that time will go. I can't help looking into the future and worrying that I will regret not spending more time with my beloved Du. I know how important it is to appreciate every single moment and I touch him and hug him and tell him I love him every chance I get and still I know there will come a day when he won't be here and I won't be able to do that anymore and that makes me so terribly sad.
I haven't been wearing make-up much since I retired. I never wore it at all when I was obese, because I knew it wouldn't help my appearance much anyway. I always tried to stay clean and neat when I was 328 pounds, but my hair was simply washed and quickly pulled back away from my face with a barrette and my clothes were always loose and comfortable. When I lost weight I started caring again about how I looked and was willing to suffer a little bit for vanity's sake. But since hubby's diagnosis, I cry all the time and I know my make-up would just run, so I haven't been wearing it. Just writing replies to all the beautiful responses I got on my "No Hope" blog left me a soggy mess, as does writing this blog today. I wanted to write everyone who was kind enough to leave me a comment, but it's so hard. I remember writing Thank You notes after my mom passed away suddenly 23 years ago. I wanted to write a personal note in every card, but it just became too difficult, and quickly I resorted to simply writing "The Family of Dorothy Chase." Now when I give some money in a card or send flowers to a funeral, I want to add a note that no thank you card is necessary because I know how difficult they can be to write and send. I just don't think a grieving family needs any more responsibility than they already have.
But....today I put on make-up. I'm meeting with my ob/gyn doctor in an hour to discuss a pessary. This is probably TMI, but my hysterectomy almost a year ago was to fix my problem of prolapsed organs, but she was unable to put the mesh in, because she told me, "There was a lot of excess skin INSIDE, and I couldn't see." Her advice was to wait a couple of years and see a specialist in Omaha for another surgery, or resort to a pessary. After a year, I am ready to try the pessary. I have constant urgency and occasional leakage and sometimes when I run to the restroom, with a terrible urgency, I can't even GO! I know where every restroom in every store in town is I think. I'm tired of it, and I don't want more surgery so perhaps a pessary will help my prolapsed organs. I remember my mom telling me she had this problem, but she didn't do anything about it. Many women do not. But my problem has gotten to the point where I want to take care of it, and if this helps, I will give it a try. After the appointment, I'm meeting Du for lunch. He is super busy at work, but after saying he better not leave for a long lunch today, he reconsidered, and said, "I can go to lunch." He doesn't talk about it much, but I know he is especially sweet and tender to me, knowing our time together is limited, and perhaps he decided that work can wait, that time with his wife was precious. I know that's how I feel about him. So I put on make-up today to look pretty for my sweet Du.
So even if we get that four years (and I'm HOPING for even more and PRAYING it's not less than that), the time is going way too fast. When we're young, time creeps by. Remember those interminably long summers when you were a kid? They went on forever, days of nothing to do, playing cards and marble games with my mom, riding bikes with my friends, playing outside with the family dog, spending time at the pool, it was as if time stood still. When I think back on those days, it seems that way, even though I know time is no shorter today than it was then. So why does it fly by so quickly now? Is it because we are inundated with things to do? With TV and computer and iPhone and iPad and games and social media, and blogs and a constant flurry of things to read and do, time seems to go by so rapidly. And that is what scares me as much as anything. That I will blink and four years will have gone by and we will be at the end.....and I will lose my Du.
So my make-up in running today, and I'm sorry once again for whining and crying to anybody who can stand to read my complaints. I try to keep going, without crying too much at least when Du is home, but when I am alone, the tears come and my fear and worry gets away from me.
Almost a month ago, we left for our trip to DC. I can't believe it's already been a month. The last two plus weeks at home have flown by, and I just want time to slow down....