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Please let the passage of time SLOW DOWN!!

Tuesday, April 30, 2013

I guess, along with the fear and anxiety of hubby having a terminal disease, is the knowledge of how fast our time together will go. Even if we get that four years (average life expectancy at this point), I am so aware of how fast that time will go. I can't help looking into the future and worrying that I will regret not spending more time with my beloved Du. I know how important it is to appreciate every single moment and I touch him and hug him and tell him I love him every chance I get and still I know there will come a day when he won't be here and I won't be able to do that anymore and that makes me so terribly sad.

I haven't been wearing make-up much since I retired. I never wore it at all when I was obese, because I knew it wouldn't help my appearance much anyway. I always tried to stay clean and neat when I was 328 pounds, but my hair was simply washed and quickly pulled back away from my face with a barrette and my clothes were always loose and comfortable. When I lost weight I started caring again about how I looked and was willing to suffer a little bit for vanity's sake. But since hubby's diagnosis, I cry all the time and I know my make-up would just run, so I haven't been wearing it. Just writing replies to all the beautiful responses I got on my "No Hope" blog left me a soggy mess, as does writing this blog today. I wanted to write everyone who was kind enough to leave me a comment, but it's so hard. I remember writing Thank You notes after my mom passed away suddenly 23 years ago. I wanted to write a personal note in every card, but it just became too difficult, and quickly I resorted to simply writing "The Family of Dorothy Chase." Now when I give some money in a card or send flowers to a funeral, I want to add a note that no thank you card is necessary because I know how difficult they can be to write and send. I just don't think a grieving family needs any more responsibility than they already have. I put on make-up. I'm meeting with my ob/gyn doctor in an hour to discuss a pessary. This is probably TMI, but my hysterectomy almost a year ago was to fix my problem of prolapsed organs, but she was unable to put the mesh in, because she told me, "There was a lot of excess skin INSIDE, and I couldn't see." Her advice was to wait a couple of years and see a specialist in Omaha for another surgery, or resort to a pessary. After a year, I am ready to try the pessary. I have constant urgency and occasional leakage and sometimes when I run to the restroom, with a terrible urgency, I can't even GO! I know where every restroom in every store in town is I think. I'm tired of it, and I don't want more surgery so perhaps a pessary will help my prolapsed organs. I remember my mom telling me she had this problem, but she didn't do anything about it. Many women do not. But my problem has gotten to the point where I want to take care of it, and if this helps, I will give it a try. After the appointment, I'm meeting Du for lunch. He is super busy at work, but after saying he better not leave for a long lunch today, he reconsidered, and said, "I can go to lunch." He doesn't talk about it much, but I know he is especially sweet and tender to me, knowing our time together is limited, and perhaps he decided that work can wait, that time with his wife was precious. I know that's how I feel about him. So I put on make-up today to look pretty for my sweet Du.

So even if we get that four years (and I'm HOPING for even more and PRAYING it's not less than that), the time is going way too fast. When we're young, time creeps by. Remember those interminably long summers when you were a kid? They went on forever, days of nothing to do, playing cards and marble games with my mom, riding bikes with my friends, playing outside with the family dog, spending time at the pool, it was as if time stood still. When I think back on those days, it seems that way, even though I know time is no shorter today than it was then. So why does it fly by so quickly now? Is it because we are inundated with things to do? With TV and computer and iPhone and iPad and games and social media, and blogs and a constant flurry of things to read and do, time seems to go by so rapidly. And that is what scares me as much as anything. That I will blink and four years will have gone by and we will be at the end.....and I will lose my Du.

So my make-up in running today, and I'm sorry once again for whining and crying to anybody who can stand to read my complaints. I try to keep going, without crying too much at least when Du is home, but when I am alone, the tears come and my fear and worry gets away from me.

Almost a month ago, we left for our trip to DC. I can't believe it's already been a month. The last two plus weeks at home have flown by, and I just want time to slow down....
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Hi! I happen to get back on board with sparkpeople doing the South Beach Diet when I decided to read some success stories and yours was one of them

    Then the word "hubby & cancer" caught my eye. I am so sorry!

    You see, I just recently loss my husband to cancer on March 17, 2013 after an almost 6-year battle with it.

    Please allow me to share some vitally important information with you. Take what you need and then leave the rest. It is mental "food" for thought and I hope it will help you prepare for the future.

    I totally understand where you are coming from. Take very good care of yourself. Don't let this sideline you. And enjoy the time together. Hug and kiss him a lot. Tell him all the things you've wanted to tell him. And make sure you don't have any regrets.

    I want to share with you my experience of preparing for that time when it comes. And I hope you will take it with the love that I send to you.

    I kept a notebook with pockets on the inside. This was for writing down information which the cancer doctor, and other doctors spoke to me about. The pockets came in handy for slips of paper that had info on it and were given to me by medical staff such as: booklets, appointments, ect.

    This was also where I took notes while on appointments with him. And also where I could, when I was at home, write down questions to which I had not thought about until the appointment was over. And so I left enough space so that when the next time came to speak with the doctor or when I called, I would be able to write down the answer.

    Trust me on this. You won't be able to remember it all. So having these two things will save you much trouble and grief.

    I also purchased at an office supply store a business card holder that looks like a wallet. I asked for and kept all the doctors business cards in this business card holder and kept it in my purse at all times. That way if I needed while we were out or even at home, it was where it was accessible and I could get to it.

    I also, made a list of doctors names and phone numbers, fax numbers as well and kept them at home where I could access it if needed.

    Those two items were life savers, the notebook and the business card holder.

    Make sure that you have everything in order. Papers such as: last will & testament, medical directives, power of attorney, state statue power of attorney, and most important of all; make sure that everything that you have in accounts is in both of your names, otherwise it will go to probate. That means: house, cars, accounts, and make sure that you have no liens or outstanding debts.

    You may end up having to open "an estate account" with your bank in the future especially if he gets any type of check with: pay to the estate of (your hubby's name)" as you will not be able to deposit it until you have filed the will with the register of wills in your county. (It cost me $100.00 to file, $75.00 to be bonded, and then $20.00 to have notification in a local paper for creditors. Notice in the paper for creditiors is good in my state for up to 6 months after the date of death. This means that creditiors can come and file a claim against the estate up to the 6 month date after his death.)

    Make sure you know where all these important papers are. Life insurance policies with group numbers and phone numbers on them. Ect., ect. Put them in a safe place with "In Event of Death". Make sure you have a good lawyer to draw up what you need. Generally the original will is filed with your attorney. You should have copies of the will, one in your safe deposit box if you have one at the bank, and a copy at home. Along with copies of medical, advance directives, power of attorney, statue power of attorney at home.) Statue power of attorney gives you direct access to any and all accounts to act on behalf of your husband.

    We, at my insistence, started preparing everything 2 years in advance. And I am glad that we did. It made it so much easier on me.

    We wanted to go the cheapest way possible. We opted for cremation and so purchased niches. (Opening and closing a niche for the both of us was $400.00 which was a whole lot less than $1,000.00 or so for each time a grave is opened or closed per person.) We arranged to talk with our pastor about doing visitation and a memorial service at the church instead of the funeral home. (No viewing). So we did. We had visitation right before the service with a luncheon following in the church hall.

    Since we had hospice, they suggested a funeral home that did direct cremation once hubby had passed. (Which means that they will come take him. No viewing, ect.) They told us to call them instead of 911. Hospice set up for the doctor to sign death certificate, and the company, "Going Home" came and took care of every thing else and he was returned in less than a week so that I could take him to the cemetery to be placed in his final resting place. Hopsice nurse and son-in-law clothed hubby before he was taken..

    To do that it was $1,185.00. Cost of cremation: $995.00; plus 15 death certificates which was $24.00 for the first one, and $12.00 for each additional one. Even with funeral homes, cost of death certificates vary.

    Some funeral homes will not do a prepaid plan. Remember, most funeral homes are monopolies and they are in it to make money.

    So the more you can get done now, the less you will have to do later and it will be a lot easier and you will have more peace of mind.

    I have a friend who lost her husband to complications of a stroke about a month after mine passed. She had nothing prepared, and he wouldn't. No will, nada. She is still struggling to get through it all and she's 70 years old.

    I am so, so sorry!

    But I hope that what I have written will help you on this hard journey.

    Love and prayers to you. emoticon

    1637 days ago

    Comment edited on: 5/28/2013 11:43:52 AM
    This is the best place in the world to unload your emotions...where people care about you and follow what is going on. No one thinks you are whining. In fact I think you are incredibly strong.

    1656 days ago
    There is no whining and complaining here. There is woman deeply in love with her husband expressing her concerns and fears, trying to get ready to meet a fearful event coming in your life. It takes bravery and courage to do what you are doing and sometimes it takes letting someone who cares listen to what you are holding in. I do not know when I will lose my dearly loved husband, I have had 32 years with him and 32 more would not be enough. My heart goes out to you in this. But the one good thing is that you are aware that your time is limited and you are making all of that time special. You are a loving wife and doing all you can to make this precious time all that it can be for you and your DH. Keep on venting as you need and we will keep on listening and comforting you emoticon
    IKacey co-leader of the Grandmothers Fitness Club
    1660 days ago

    Comment edited on: 5/5/2013 4:45:55 AM
    Please know I'm praying for you and your family. I don't know the words to help make you feel better---maybe there aren't any...but I wish there were!
    You are a lovely person. God bless you.
    1661 days ago
    It's when we're alone with our thoughts that the tears do tend to flow more. September will be four years since my Tommy's diagnosis and it scares me when I see him becoming more and more tired. I understand your feelings and am so sorry you too are having to deal with this.

    1662 days ago
    1663 days ago
    1664 days ago
  • LINDAK25
    1664 days ago
    emoticon Hoping and praying for many more years for you and DH. God has a plan so take care.
    1664 days ago
  • KITT52
    no one knows how long we have....we must all treasure each moment like it was our last..because it just might be...

    1664 days ago
    We are here to listen. This is your place where you can let your feelings out. Knowing this is a place you can turn and not to food shows how much has changed for you.

    Enjoy each day. Get your camera out when you can. Having all these memories will be special for you. Try to enjoy each and every day and not just worry that the end of them will be coming. You've been strong for him and I'm sure you will be able to continue to be so. We'll always be here for you.
    1664 days ago
  • CANNIE50
    While you may be crying (understandably so) you certainly are not whining or complaining. I am glad you have your friends at Spark to help you sort through your feelings and fears. I love the story about your husband and his decision about lunch with you versus more time devoted to work. I love the sentiment behind it, and I love the way you told the story. I hope sometimes you let him see you cry. Crying about loss is not a shameful thing, nor is it a burden you are imposing. Crying, in this case, is just another expression of love just like affectionate touch and loving words. emoticon
    1664 days ago
  • TERRYT55
    You are NOT whining or love your husband, you enjoy each others company and you want to make the time you have left count. I call that commitment and love and I enjoy hearing about it. Not every couple has the kind of relationship you two do. Keep telling us about it.......I will be here to listen.

    I hope your appt went well for the pessary. I need one too and am eagerly waiting to hear about it.

    Take care
    1664 days ago
    You have done so much good on SP, it is time we gave back to you somehow. Vent all you want, we are here for you.
    1664 days ago
    1664 days ago
    Yeah, do not feel bad about venting to us! It is much better to get it out. I know how you feel, when my mom was terminally ill I tried to be strong and positive in front of her, and then I would break down when I was alone. And as far as time flying, I don't know why it does, I remember my dad used to talk about how the older you got, time would go even faster. Who knows why? But hang in there, we are all here for you.
    1664 days ago
    I used a pessary for several months before my surgery and it worked just fine for me.

    Every moment is precious for all of us, we just don't all realize it.
    1664 days ago
    Our objectivity has changed, our priorities have changed and we have changed - life is the same but we are different and we would do well to try to recapture the child in us .. but of course we are grown up now and don't try to do that (easy for me to say what we should be doing when I am work an average of 60+ hours a week).

    Please don't ever apologize for whining and crying because we really don't see your blogs like that - we see a lovely caring lady reaching out and sharing herself with us and we all want to hear from you and to know how you are doing whenever you feel you share with us - we want to support you as best we can, to constantly let you know that we feel and we care and we share, even if we only think that we understand. How can anyone possibly fully understand when they are not counting off the days and hoping that they will have more days left together .. I remember my mom-in-law making dad drink his water so that she could have a nap, making him cycle on the exercise bike for 20 minutes even though it she wouldn't (and still won't), not letting him eat candy or ham or much of anything else that he really like - all so that she could try to keep him around a bit longer .. you are making more sense of that for me now, even though I still won't treat her like that - what is the point of her living longer if she can't enjoy her days ..

    Keep sharing, my shoulders are broad and I just put a towel over them if you need to cry buckets ..

    1664 days ago
  • KERRYG155
    Sure hope you can get that surgery done and that it fixes the problem (which I can fully understand) because you need to spend time with hubby rather than running to the bathroom. emoticon
    1664 days ago
    Wow what a terrible thing to go through for both of you. My heart goes out to you!
    1665 days ago
    I loved your blog emoticon But as for dressed up, makeup, ect.... I think that it's what he likes about you. Sorry if this is out, but when all is said and done it will be the time you both spent together that you will remember. If he likes the (fancy) you then that's what you should do. But as for time your right and just reading your blog made me feel like I was a kid again in the summer carefree I miss that. Things are just always on fast forward. So when you can (we) try to take some time and slow down and enjoy! emoticon And thank you again emoticon Prayers to you both!
    1665 days ago

    Comment edited on: 4/30/2013 1:26:55 PM
    emoticon He is blessed to have you and the love you have for him and your willingness to express it.
    1665 days ago
    I admire you so much for enduring so much and being such a strong person. YOu may not think you are very strong but you are and you show it here in your blogs. You inspire so many of us. I will continue to pray for you and Du daily. emoticon
    1665 days ago
    emoticon Maybe it is just that we are getting Older & Wiser, but Yes, Time is Flying By for all of us. In some ways you are Blessed that you KNOW to Cherish Du and your time together. As our "Busyness" consumes us we too often just 'Assume' that Our Loved Ones Know That we Love Them.
    emoticon Remember to count your Blessings Every day.
    1665 days ago
    Just cherish the time you have.....
    1665 days ago
  • KAREN608
    As to things to read and TV, maybe you could weed those things out to free up time for your husband, I gave up a lot of magazines and don't miss them abit, and have more time for the important things. Being busy all the time isn't necessarily a good thing.
    1665 days ago
  • CC3833
    I completely agree. When I was little I remember summers lasting a life time. But now I can't believe how fast the days go. My niece is turning 11 and I remember my sister being pregnant like it was yesterday. I think it is because we have "so much to do". We don't enjoy our down time the same as we did when we were a kid. We work 8+ hours a day, then have errands that need to get done and dinner needs to be on the table and before we know it its time for bed and then we repeat. We don't stop to smell the roses anymore. Social media is ruining that face to face time which is so important. Good luck with your drs appointment and have a wonderful relaxing lunch with hubby.
    1665 days ago
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