Tuesday, April 30, 2013
This month has had many ups and downs for me. The ups: I've been keeping up with my school work, and I have been able to consistently earn good grades on the assignments that I have been doing. I also have been able to exercise regularly. I do feel some parts of me getting strong. I have gotten to a point where I can jog at a 10 minute mile speed, though at the moment, I can't go more than about 7 or 8 minutes at a time. I used to not even be able to go that fast at all! I thought level 5 on the treadmill was hard! I have been slowly upping the speed, and doing it more in intervals as I can handle them.
While these aren't necessarily 'downs', they are things that I would like to change for next month. I have learned that my body reacts very horribly to white breads and starches. I realized that I have felt that blood sugar crashing sensation MANY times. It actually hit me one day as I was going to get something to eat (it would have been either crackers, or something cake-like) that I wasn't actually hungry. I stopped myself from eating and I really paid attention to my body. I stood there for about 5 minutes and it came to me: I felt like I was coming down from something! Almost like a hung-over sensation. It was very uncomfortable and I ended up needing to just sit down.
I couldn't believe how familiar this feeling was. It seemed very pronounced to me this time. It's probably because the day before, I had eaten only brown rice, and whole grain breads and oatmeal-no white starches. The day that this hit me, I had eaten chips, crackers, and a pastry. I essentially bombarded my system after having my blood sugar levels steadily coasting and all of a sudden, I had pushed it off a cliff. All of these years, I'd get that feeling, and I'd just eat more-because my blood sugar levels had crashed and it was making me feel 'hungry' again. I was checked for diabetes when I was 330 pounds, and thankfully, I didn't have it then. I might get a blood test just to make sure-though I am much healthier now than I was then. If anything, I've lessened my chances of having it. I think it was just really pronounced because like I said, I had been eating really healthy the day before.
I know I've written about this before, and I know that this is something that I absolutely struggle with. I know that in order to get the physically fit, lean muscle body that I want, I have to limit what processed foods go into my body. I've read in many places that 'abs are made in the kitchen'. I have been talking with my cousin who apparently can't really stomach white breads and starches either. She has been eating whole grain only for a long time, and she said that she noticed a difference too. She also used to be overweight, so I look to her for advice.
I guess I'm just afraid. Food is literally the one thing that I have been addicted to for the last 12 years. There's almost an anxiety that goes along with it, and I know that I want to eat better and just be able to say 'no' to cake, pastries, and crackers. I know that all that processed crap isn't good for me, but I'm just at a point where there is NO moderation. It doesn't work. It never has. If it did, I'd be at my goal weight by now after 4 years. Now that I realize how sensitive my body is to the white breads and starches, I have more of a reason to give it up. This is for my health. I have two options: stay the way I am, and 'maintain' my weight, and fight my depression and feelings of inadequacy; or, I can take the plunge, remove myself from what's comfortable and break free of this addiction. Most importantly, learn how to say 'no'! By choosing the first, I already know what every food I'll ever eat tastes like. There's no surprise there. I know what lasagna tastes like. I know what chocolate cake, and pie tastes like. I already know what chips taste like. All of that stuff...no matter how much I eat it, it NEVER tastes as good as I imagine it, yet I keep eating it hoping the next bite will be better than the first.
I'm torn because I know that this is a huge commitment. I've heard so many people-my cousin included, who was just as addicted as I am- that after about a month, I won't even miss that stuff. It's going to be a process, but I know it's one that will be worth it.
My goal for the month of May is to not eat any white breads/starches. I won't deny myself a piece of candy here and there, but I really want to get serious about this again. I'm tired of wondering and excited to just 'do'.
This weekend is my grandmother's birthday. They are planning pizza and cake with ice cream. I will allow myself some ice cream, and I will bring my own food. It's going to be a real test. It will be very hard-especially since I've NEVER been able to stay within calorie range while at her house, let alone go without eating cookies or cakes, or whatever she has lying around....I am really going to make an effort. My family needs to understand that this is going to be part of who I am. I'm not going to be that fat girl anymore. I am going to take charge of my body, and if that means not eating all that other crap, then so be it.
I can do this!