Monday, April 29, 2013
Okay, okay, This was not his shining moment I know. My BF is normally a very sweet and funny and supportive teddy bear. He's really struggling with his depression and being out of work for a year and, like me, lashes out on occasion. He feels like he's beneath me and that I will leave him. He is a big ole teddy bear with a very large thorn in his paw right now.
He's bought me 2 pairs of $100 running shoes. He got me the elliptical I try to use on nasty weather days. He's normally very good at making me feel good about myself. We both had trust issues. We've been together nearly 9 years. He got me OUT of a very abusive relataionship.
Why is he freaked out about the color run? There are other people there. Other men and if I start going to these things, I will leave him for one them. That is so not the case, but like I said trust issues abound in the relationship for both sides. Oh, and why he won't do it with me, fear of failing at something else. He's really down and I can't fix what is wrong. I can't get him a job.
I push him to get out of his comfort zone, which is his house right now. I'm dealing with his "I'm waiting to die. I'm useless and worthless and no one wants me." crap. He's worse than me at making friends and that's pretty bad. He's just anti-social and well, aggressive about it. Work was his thing, his worth, his hobby. I can't get him interested in ANYTHING lately. (Note: He deals with my "I'm fat and ugly and worthless and a F*ck up" regularly too)
He feels the need to guard me from all the would be rapists and bad men in the world if we go out in public together. Really, seriously, I'm not as naive as he thinks. I'm not as weak either.
He was a mama's boy. His mama was aggressive and an in your face type of person. I am not his mama. I will quietly slit your throat if I feel you need it in a dark corner. I will not have a huge row and fist fight. I rarely lose my temper. I get upset and hurt, not angry. I have no use for anger. I am not confrontational, it's usually not worth my time and will only make things worse. He's over confrontational.
In truth, it's nice to know someone wants to take care of me and does his best. Sunday morning he comes up behind me and hugs me tight and asks, "Why do you put up with me being such an A$$?"
I do it because I love him and I know that he doesn't really mean it. I know where he is and how dark it is. I only wish I knew how to help him handle it better. If I ever figure out what I need to do for him, I'll let you know. I am not good at this kinda thing. So be gentle with him. I am very defensive about him. He's always been there for me and I just wish I could be better at being there for him right now.