Monday, April 29, 2013
When you are diagnosed with cancer, almost always there is some hope involved. Some people even get to hope for a cure, or at least no recurrence in 5 years--which is considered a cure I believe. Some cancers, especially in Stage Four, leave you with nothing to hope for. At least if we had caught Du's cancer before it spread to his bones, we could have taken out the prostate and had a cure. But because his previously low PSA tests were, unbeknownst to us, evidently in the 1-2% that are unreliable, we had no idea his enlarged prostate was actually cancer, and now we are left with this devastating diagnosis and NO HOPE.
I guess I AM hoping--hoping for more time with him; hoping for him to stay healthy for a long time; hoping for the shots to do their work and keep the cancer at bay; hoping he can make it to retirement, which is still 4 1/2 years away. He has worked for over 40 years, doesn't he deserve some time to enjoy retirement?? The odds are not in his favor. Average life expectancy with a Stage 4 prostate cancer diagnosis is only 4 years. As I always say, some live longer, some don't live that long, it's only an average. We are not allowed to hope for a cure--a cure is not to be for my Du.
It is doubly scary because if he isn't working, we have no health insurance. I retired one month before he went to the hospital and was ultimately diagnosed with cancer. So my retirement has been pretty messed up too. I regret my decision because we could sure use that reassurance of always having health insurance. But I sure don't miss going to work everyday.
Saturday was spent in the bowling alley, Du and the boys bowled the state tournament, nine games in two different houses. Du's last set was his best--650. That makes me think he is still healthy--if he can bowl all day and still have strength left to bowl that well. At least that's what I like to think.
Had a call from some old friends while we were out all day, they wanted to go out to eat. We usually meet up with them for a restaurant date two or three times a year and always enjoy our time together. They are new grandparents, and are very proud of their little granddaughter. We shared pictures, had a good meal, and then Du told them our devastating news. Of course that brought up talk of other old friends who are not well. We are that age--early 60's--and our health is just not as good as it used to be. But we never expected a diagnosis like we got, and today I'm feeling angry, scared and sad. And it just feels so hopeless...