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Not defeated, just a little tired.

Monday, April 29, 2013

Worn out really. Right when I need to be taking the best care of my self, I'm too tired to do it. Things really do keep falling off and my habits aren't defaulting to healthy. They're defaulting to chocolate chip frappes, cheese fries with gravy, and almost daily take out for dinner after work. I'm not going to the gym, I'm doing semi-decent in keeping up with chores and I'm slogging through work just waiting for every day to end to get to Friday and another week closer to Summer vacation. It's that end of the year running out of steam and I don't know why. I should be fine. Let's admit it, I might have found out I really have a stomach problem but that doesn't mean I'm not still depressed. I just wasn't having massive panic attacks at 3 am. What else does it mean if I plan every day and never do any of it? Ask me when the last week I went to Yoga was, when I plan to go every Monday and Wednesday night. Have I ever gone on a Tuesday when I plan to go every week? I remember I used to, I remember when I did, I remember when I was 149 swimming and taking classes 6 days a week and eating great. Where is she? What happened to her? How did this happen?

Back when I was 149, I was very happy in my life and career. I was at my original school on top of the world, coaching fencing, in a relationship, all the good things. That was in 2004-2005. My boss retired that June in 2005 and I took a different job against my better judgement and gut instinct. Can't go back now, but my dad had recently had surgery for cancer and my mom was in the hospital that summer and fall in 05 for a brain aneurysm and that school year my health starting acting funny.

I had gotten a horrible case of bronchitis the last week of September and missed a full week of school with 103 fever and my doctor faxing the school about my absences. The new principal told me as a courtesy before Thanksgiving that the board had already decided not to continue me for the next school year and things kept getting worse after that. The stress of both my parents being sick and having the first realization that parents don't live forever and the sudden insecurity in my career took its toll on me and I had little success at the school I went to the next year and so on for the next 3 years and 3 schools, I kept getting sicker I didn't know why and I was too ashamed of myself to ask for help. I just kept secretly going to my doctor begging for a way to get through another day without lying in a curled up ball in my bed for days on end. Come Spring of 2009 on this very anniversary day in fact I was brought up on charges for my illness and sent off to the rubber room for 17 months to fight for my career and my rights. Turns out I was fighting a principal that quit his job before my case even came to a close. He moved to the Middle East with his wife who had taken a job and I was still rotting in the rubber room unaware of any of this. So the man that brought me up on charges 4 years ago today leaves the country, and I am still unsettled in my career, still in the substitute pool with the rest of the guilty and the excessed and the lost. Cleared of everything, records expunged, yet I remain without a real job with no rights and no status. Four years, four years of my life gone. Four years of daily humiliation and embarrassment.

So as I type this I giggle to myself. Do I even need to ask if I'm possibly depressed? Sometimes you really just get tired of fighting to keep that positive face on in the face of all of that. I just want things to be nice again. Four years of aftermath and 3 years of being sick is just too much time to lose. I've always worked hard, I'm nice, I'm honest and I don't want to be so sad and angry all the time any more, and I really don't want to be sick anymore either. I want to make the things happen that I plan and get out of the house and off the couch and out again like I used to. I want to be here the way I am in Mexico and the way I was in 04 and early 05. It's noticed by my family too. I have to find a way to fix things, and heal and be okay again. I haven't found the way from the plan to the action yet. I'm not even walking every day like I used to. I'll try and take a baby step today somehow. I can heal and find peace.
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