Monday, April 29, 2013
A long time ago a therapist told me I was a perfectionist. This really shocked me -- because I had never thought of myself as a type A, driven kind of person. I procrastinate a lot, I often don't complete things that I start -- again, this really shocked me. When we delved into it a little deeper, I came to realize that I have a tendency towards "all or nothing" thinking -- if I can't do an A+++ job on something, then I just won't do it at all. I call doing nothing my F job.
As I get older and a wee bit wiser, I realize sometimes doing a C+ job is a much better scenario than doing an F job.
For example, I have had a REALLY REALLY stressful couple of weeks. Family heartbreak, new job, final projects in my 2 college courses, and the reality is, this is going to last for at least 2-3 more weeks. Truth is, I have engaged in some emotional eating. My typical thing now to do would be to tell myself - "Failure! You have blown it! Forget about losing weight!" and not visit SparkPeople again for many, many moons. I've done that before. So I have stalled out for the past 2 weeks - not lost any weight.
However, I have not completely jumped off the deep end. I have stayed the same weight for 2 weeks. While I have indulged in some comfort food and not minded my food tracking like I should, I have been mindful about getting enough protein and not going completely bonkers on the sweets (well, a couple of times I've gone overboard on the sweets). And somehow I've managed to maintain. I'm going to take this, for what it's worth, as progress. I'm not in the best pattern I could be, and I am not getting an A+, but I am performing at a C+ which at the end of the day is a heck of a lot better than an F.
The negative me says "Rationalizer! Failure!" The positive me is winning this argument and reminding myself, when I'm ready, I'm never more than one meal away from making the choice to eat healthy. 19 lbs are gone. For that I am grateful. I am happy to see them go. I would like more of their friends to join them. I am not going to rake myself over the coals right now, like I used to do. It is unproductive. It hurts.
I'm allowing myself to be average for a little while.