Monday, April 29, 2013
With the exception of some abrupt family shenanigans, today has been the epitome of lethargy. It's been something I have been craving after several long weeks of work and work that wasn't job-related. Yet it has left me feeling absolutely disgusting.
When I was at my low before starting this journey, a majority of my life was wallowing in laziness. Most days I wouldn't have the energy and/or willpower to get dressed or even leave my computer chair. Maybe it was because I ate poorly and never exercised, or maybe it was a psychological state of depression and dealing with a failing marriage and a spouse that degraded me to nothing. Most likely it was both coupled with something else deep inside of me. Regardless, I never had control over it. It took the major life upheaval of everything changing to get me to actually get up and make a change.
Today, I feel like there has been no change at all. It feels like I'm that same person, incapable of overcoming the laziness, the self-loathing. I feel so powerless, so far off the rails I can't get back on again. Yet I hate myself, because I can't fathom it. As far as I'm concerned, I should be able to do this. I don't understand how I can sit in my room all day, wanted to be something better, and just not being able to will myself up and out. My mind screams, "Get up! Do something! It's not that hard, you've come this far, haven't you?" Yet here my body is, still sitting at the end of a wasted day. It makes me feel like a failure.
I want tomorrow to be my first day back on track. I want to get back down into the 180s, go to the grocery store for the first time in nearly a month and start eating better again. More importantly I want to feel invigorated, motivated, inspired, in control! I want to make progress again - in terms of my body, my finances, and my life. I want to be that person again, the one who did so well and was happy and wasn't a slave to this laziness. It's terrifying, because I'm afraid I don't have what it takes to get back on track by myself.
At this point all I can do is allow myself to have this lazy day and get it out of my system (whether I feel good about it or not), and hope that whatever got me started on that journey all those months ago decides to make an appearance in the morning and help me out.