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Take a Little Late Nite and Call me in the Morning!

Sunday, April 28, 2013

President Obama offered to wash senators' car if it would lead to an immigration bill. Senators then told Obama, 'If you're going to wash our cars, why do we need immigrants?' -Conan O'Brien

It was revealed today that someone sent President Obama a suspicious letter containing the poison ricin. It's a deadly poison made from beans. They said it's the third worst substance you can send in the mail behind anthrax and packing peanuts. -Jimmy Kimmel

Happy birthday to Israel. The country of Israel turned 65. Now that it's 65, Israel plans to retire and move to Florida. -Conan O'Brien

Why does the government charge us postage to send in our tax returns? We have to pay them to pay them. It's like giving a slice back to the pizza delivery guy. How about you just deduct 75 cents from what I already paid? -Jimmy Kimmel

"My family is really boring. They have a coffee table book called Pictures We took Just to Use Up the Rest of the Film." --Cynthia Levin

"There's got to be something wrong with people who go to Star Trek conventions. I mean, I like Mary Tyler Moore, too, but I don't rent out a big hall and dress up like Rhoda." --Andy Kindler

"I'm a grown woman but my father still thinks I know nothing about my car. He always asks me, 'You changing the oil every 3,000 miles?' 'Yes, Dad. I'm also putting sugar in the gas tank. That way my exhaust smells like cotton candy.'" --Mimi Gonzalez
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