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    KAYEGURL08   6,287
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Pity Party!

Sunday, April 28, 2013

I don't even want to try to figure out what has been going on with me this past year. My mother died in December of 2012 and I think it took a while for me to really feel it. A couple of my family members have had some falling outs that I think directly link to her death and I think I have been eating everything I can get my hands on to comfort myself. I am the fattest I have ever been and it is time to stop it!
A few months back at my job a picture was taken of our office staff and I realized that I am the fat one~or at least one of them. There have been other pictures since then and it may sound crazy, but I really opened my eyes to them and felt so sad with myself and yet I still have kept going down this road of disgust and sadness~HUGE sadness. It scared me because a couple of months ago I realized I was about as low as I had ever been and it was a pretty dark place. I have completely isolated myself from life and I still just do not have the energy for more than what I absolutely have to be connected to. I go to work and fake it really well and then come home, do the essentials and hide in my bedroom all night. I only have my 23 year old disabled daughter here with me, along with her aids that come over and I try my darndest to ignore them.
Along with my loss of my Mother, my husband quit his job~again and after about two months got a new one. This I believe was his 8th change in 10 -12 years. He is 55 and we can not afford to have this ever happen again. He has always worked in a profession that demands a lot of hours but not enough pay and you would think I am used to being alone as far as a key relationship goes. Don't misunderstand me though, I have great things that have happened along with the stressers but the fact of the matter is~~my life is much more stressful than the average majority and I have struggled with chronic depression for so long now that I am realizing it is always going to be part of my life.
Quite a few years ago I went to counseling and this was pre~antidepessant and the therapist told me that I had to get some exercise everyday to keep my endorphins going and I took it to heart and for years did as advised and kept my head well above water but then I think things kept stacking up and to manage I let the important things go to deal with the crap and now I feel so buried in life and FAT and THIS HAS GOT TO STOP.
When I took my new measurements today, I knew yet didn't want to know that they would be the highest they have ever been. I have been loading myself into clothes that I hate. It is uncomfortable to tie my shoes, shave my legs, bend over, etc. These are things that are big flags to me, I never thought I would be here, I was a skinny snob for years. I saw this as being a problem belonging to people who were out of control, and here I am.......
hoping this is an uncomfortable enough bottom, hoping that I have felt as bad as I am willing to feel.
You hear people say they turned it around because they had reached this or that low point and I am praying this is mine.
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

FLYINGB16 4/29/2013 5:05AM

    Remember this is a journey and we will have all kinds of setbacks along the way. You have to start from where you are right now and let go of what you used to weigh or how things used to be. We need forward momentum and to focus on the moments we are in right now. You are obviously a STRONG woman and intelligent and you can do this. Take that first step and start logging your food. This is the smallest thing you can do that will have the biggest effect.

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SUSANBEAMON 4/29/2013 2:07AM

  you know part of what you need to do. the part you don't know is scary. i suggest a grief councilor to help you deal with your mother's death. until you deal with that, i have doubts you will be able to get your life back on a even keep. 5 months is nothing when it comes to grief.

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LATINRITELADY79 4/28/2013 11:40PM

    First step is realizing it... Now don't look back... Keep looking to the future! YOU CAN DO IT!!!

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TKRYSTINA 4/28/2013 11:09PM

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CJJANISS 4/28/2013 9:13PM

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