Sunday, April 28, 2013
I don't even want to try to figure out what has been going on with me this past year. My mother died in December of 2012 and I think it took a while for me to really feel it. A couple of my family members have had some falling outs that I think directly link to her death and I think I have been eating everything I can get my hands on to comfort myself. I am the fattest I have ever been and it is time to stop it!
A few months back at my job a picture was taken of our office staff and I realized that I am the fat one~or at least one of them. There have been other pictures since then and it may sound crazy, but I really opened my eyes to them and felt so sad with myself and yet I still have kept going down this road of disgust and sadness~HUGE sadness. It scared me because a couple of months ago I realized I was about as low as I had ever been and it was a pretty dark place. I have completely isolated myself from life and I still just do not have the energy for more than what I absolutely have to be connected to. I go to work and fake it really well and then come home, do the essentials and hide in my bedroom all night. I only have my 23 year old disabled daughter here with me, along with her aids that come over and I try my darndest to ignore them.
Along with my loss of my Mother, my husband quit his job~again and after about two months got a new one. This I believe was his 8th change in 10 -12 years. He is 55 and we can not afford to have this ever happen again. He has always worked in a profession that demands a lot of hours but not enough pay and you would think I am used to being alone as far as a key relationship goes. Don't misunderstand me though, I have great things that have happened along with the stressers but the fact of the matter is~~my life is much more stressful than the average majority and I have struggled with chronic depression for so long now that I am realizing it is always going to be part of my life.
Quite a few years ago I went to counseling and this was pre~antidepessant and the therapist told me that I had to get some exercise everyday to keep my endorphins going and I took it to heart and for years did as advised and kept my head well above water but then I think things kept stacking up and to manage I let the important things go to deal with the crap and now I feel so buried in life and FAT and THIS HAS GOT TO STOP.
When I took my new measurements today, I knew yet didn't want to know that they would be the highest they have ever been. I have been loading myself into clothes that I hate. It is uncomfortable to tie my shoes, shave my legs, bend over, etc. These are things that are big flags to me, I never thought I would be here, I was a skinny snob for years. I saw this as being a problem belonging to people who were out of control, and here I am.......
hoping this is an uncomfortable enough bottom, hoping that I have felt as bad as I am willing to feel.
You hear people say they turned it around because they had reached this or that low point and I am praying this is mine.