Sunday, April 28, 2013
There are many excuses as to why people are fat, but none apply to me. I can't even pretend that they do. I do not have a thyroid problem, or a general hormone problem. I am not immobile in that I cannot move or exercise. I am actually quite good at exercise although I have been in better shape then I am now. My heart doesn't beat loudly in my chest and my lungs don't burn. It is my muscles that make it hard for me right now, but even those I am quickly retraining and restretching to be better. In a matter of a few short weeks I am nearly back to normal on that. I don't have a job where I sit at a desk all day long, but I do sit too much of my own accord.
I am obese. I am obese because I have a problem with food. I like it. I like eating it even when I'm not hungry. Maybe I started as a bored eater. I'm not really an emotional eater. But I am definitely a bored eater. I have triggers, mainly when I am watching television or I have to go out and suddenly I start craving fast food. My triggers are very powerful and even now as I sit here writing this my stomach is full of afternoon tv-watching food. Granted, it is mostly baby carrots, raspberries, and dry Multigrain Cheerios, but it is full none-the-less.
I am also a coffee drinker and I do prefer vanilla creamer in my coffee, though it isn't necessary. I have always liked the non-fat version of it, though. Even though I only usually drink two or three cups through the entire day, and usually just in the morning, days like today trigger a coffee binge. Slightly chilly and overcast, lazy Sundays trigger it.
The bottom line is that I am obese because I eat too much and all the time. I do not move enough, but I do move and when I move, I do it well. Movement is maybe 20% my problem. I eat. That is the other 80%. I love food.
I love flavors and textures and I cannot get enough of them. When I watch tv I need something in my hands or in my mouth and food is ever so convenient. I do not knit or sew or scrapbook. I do not draw, though I much prefer it to the other things mentioned. I sit and watch a show, then I get up and do other things. I cannot multitask in that way, but I can put delicious food in my mouth.
Then, on the bad days, come afternoon-time when I feel like I shouldn't be filling my stomach past it's rightly proportions, it is too late and my stomach is too full to exercise without feeling like vomiting.
I have a problem with food.
Weight Watchers is helping me manage my food intake and some weeks it goes very well! Some weeks it doesn't. What I am hoping is that over time I will adjust to a healthier diet. It is a slow process. But so far, I don't think I am doing very well. I still have uncontrollable cravings for something in my mouth. I still have guilt when I do eat.
I have an unhealthy relationship with food and I don't know if it is possible to overcome it. I am at a loss. But if I stay this way, losing 114 pounds is going to be ridiculously hard and what happens if I succeed. Then do I spend the rest of my life logging in points or calories so that I don't get fat again because I never was able to overcome my unhealthy obsession with food.
It scares me.