Preparing to Let Go
Sunday, April 28, 2013
As many of you already know my mother was diagnosed almost 2 weeks ago with renal failure. That diagnosis turned into she has a very large cancerous mass in her abdomen and is terminal.
I have been on an emotional roller coaster since the diagnosis. My mother and I have not always gotten along and in the past few years it was evident that we were just drifting apart. I realize that as an adult child that this happens. It doesn't mean we don't love each other, just that the desire to get together was not there. On my part this was largely based on the fact that as a child I felt that she wasn't there for me because alcohol was more important. I have come to realize that while she did make poor choices in her life that affected both myself and my sister we cannot change the past. I love my mother we just didn't always respect each other.
I am watching my Dad go between being very angry and the situation to resigned and devastated over the prospect of losing his wife of almost 46 years. My Dad is my rock and it hurts to watch him in pain and now I am trying to be his rock to weather the storm that life has given us.
We had a talk yesterday and right now I think all of us, including Mom, are ready for this to be over. I know it may sound mean but right now she is in pain all the time and I don't want to see her suffer. She had a big family party last week and all 19 of us were there including the 2 newest family members, my great-niece and nephew who are only 18 months and 2 months respectively. The babies certainly lit up my Mom's face and while the gathering didn't last long as Mom got too tired it was a good time if bittersweet. Her best friend finally made it up from the U.S. and is visiting her today. I think this is the last person she wants to see and say goodbye to and then she can move on from here.
I do not know how much I will be around in the next little while but I will return after life has settled down a bit. Thank you for your understanding.