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Preparing to Let Go

Sunday, April 28, 2013

As many of you already know my mother was diagnosed almost 2 weeks ago with renal failure. That diagnosis turned into she has a very large cancerous mass in her abdomen and is terminal.

I have been on an emotional roller coaster since the diagnosis. My mother and I have not always gotten along and in the past few years it was evident that we were just drifting apart. I realize that as an adult child that this happens. It doesn't mean we don't love each other, just that the desire to get together was not there. On my part this was largely based on the fact that as a child I felt that she wasn't there for me because alcohol was more important. I have come to realize that while she did make poor choices in her life that affected both myself and my sister we cannot change the past. I love my mother we just didn't always respect each other.

I am watching my Dad go between being very angry and the situation to resigned and devastated over the prospect of losing his wife of almost 46 years. My Dad is my rock and it hurts to watch him in pain and now I am trying to be his rock to weather the storm that life has given us.

We had a talk yesterday and right now I think all of us, including Mom, are ready for this to be over. I know it may sound mean but right now she is in pain all the time and I don't want to see her suffer. She had a big family party last week and all 19 of us were there including the 2 newest family members, my great-niece and nephew who are only 18 months and 2 months respectively. The babies certainly lit up my Mom's face and while the gathering didn't last long as Mom got too tired it was a good time if bittersweet. Her best friend finally made it up from the U.S. and is visiting her today. I think this is the last person she wants to see and say goodbye to and then she can move on from here.

I do not know how much I will be around in the next little while but I will return after life has settled down a bit. Thank you for your understanding.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Thank you for reminding me about my mother... she passed away 20 years ago and as time has passed I have come to realise more and more that she really did the best she could. I hope you have the support and love you need.
    1758 days ago
    This is very hard and it won't be any easier for awhile, but you can make it. It is good that you have family so you can help each other.
    1760 days ago
  • 4CYNDI
    **HUGS** So sorry that you are dealing with this. I truly understand the "we just want this over" feeling. It's hard to see someone you love in pain. Especially as everyone is aware there is unlikely to be a miracle cure at this point. I'm glad that you have been able to say goodbye and see that while she wasn't perfect that she did and does love you.

    Wishing you and your family the best until you return.

    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1760 days ago
    Hugs! I am keeping you and your family in my thoughts. We are here for you!
    1760 days ago
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