Sunday, April 28, 2013
Yesterday I had to set up an appointment to do the official paperwork for the gym . I have been enjoying the free membership since I was in physical therapy but alas that three months is up and now onto paying for it . I was talking to the lady and honestly doing an internal eye roll as she told me how far I have come in those three months and blah blah blah how amazing i look ... yes you read it right sometimes I just dont want to hear it because I don't feel it. At one point I said to her I am not loosing pounds I am loosing inches ... she said something that well got her out of the eye rolling phase of my mind ..
She said there are all sorts of things out there tell us what we are suppose to weigh but does that making us healthy ? She said look at me for instance ( she is of the perfect size maybe like 5'6" approxmately 120 pounds give or take a few ) She said I cant do what you do (again the eye roll ) She said just because i am the right weight doesnt mean I am healthy ...
I dont weigh everyday nor do I worry about the pounds ... But I wont lie either when i work as hard as I do and at the end of the week I am up a pound or two it sucks . I fight the emotional side of this journey harder than the actual process . I am reminded every time I look in the mirror of those inches that are gone ... I have definition but also have that god awful stomach .. it is very odd to me as i have always been perfectly per-portioned meaning I was always fat every where not just one area .. now I have a fat stomach and small waist and firm thighs ... Last night i wore a pair shorts out that when i bought them I couldnt even button them ... if you looked at these jean shorts you would go hmmm ... they are very loose around my thighs and my back they in no way touch my back when standing but they fit because that stomach is there .. Which tells me that at least my back is slimming down . I have gone from three fat rolls on my back to one that if you dont see without shirt you will never know it is there . Which means I should be exstatic but sigh I really am not .
It is hard to look at body after so many years of being protected by an obscene amount of fat and not think that person is a stranger . It really doesnt matter if it is understood by anyone because it is how I feel about it . My physical body is making changes that my inner body has to catch up with . It is all part of the process of being healthy physically and emotionally . These blogs are just my way of dealing with some of this stuff . They are not meant for you to be down in any way , it is just my way of venting because it is so hard to explain to people that just because you loose weight or inches and you are happy it is a lot to deal with on many levels . My goal is to be healthy at what ever weight but also to loose weight . So I am not sure that I agree with what the lady said but I am a hell of lot healthier now than i was almost a hundred pounds ago .