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Just thinking

Sunday, April 28, 2013

Yesterday I had to set up an appointment to do the official paperwork for the gym . I have been enjoying the free membership since I was in physical therapy but alas that three months is up and now onto paying for it . I was talking to the lady and honestly doing an internal eye roll as she told me how far I have come in those three months and blah blah blah how amazing i look ... yes you read it right sometimes I just dont want to hear it because I don't feel it. At one point I said to her I am not loosing pounds I am loosing inches ... she said something that well got her out of the eye rolling phase of my mind ..

She said there are all sorts of things out there tell us what we are suppose to weigh but does that making us healthy ? She said look at me for instance ( she is of the perfect size maybe like 5'6" approxmately 120 pounds give or take a few ) She said I cant do what you do (again the eye roll ) She said just because i am the right weight doesnt mean I am healthy ...

I dont weigh everyday nor do I worry about the pounds ... But I wont lie either when i work as hard as I do and at the end of the week I am up a pound or two it sucks . I fight the emotional side of this journey harder than the actual process . I am reminded every time I look in the mirror of those inches that are gone ... I have definition but also have that god awful stomach .. it is very odd to me as i have always been perfectly per-portioned meaning I was always fat every where not just one area .. now I have a fat stomach and small waist and firm thighs ... Last night i wore a pair shorts out that when i bought them I couldnt even button them ... if you looked at these jean shorts you would go hmmm ... they are very loose around my thighs and my back they in no way touch my back when standing but they fit because that stomach is there .. Which tells me that at least my back is slimming down . I have gone from three fat rolls on my back to one that if you dont see without shirt you will never know it is there . Which means I should be exstatic but sigh I really am not .

It is hard to look at body after so many years of being protected by an obscene amount of fat and not think that person is a stranger . It really doesnt matter if it is understood by anyone because it is how I feel about it . My physical body is making changes that my inner body has to catch up with . It is all part of the process of being healthy physically and emotionally . These blogs are just my way of dealing with some of this stuff . They are not meant for you to be down in any way , it is just my way of venting because it is so hard to explain to people that just because you loose weight or inches and you are happy it is a lot to deal with on many levels . My goal is to be healthy at what ever weight but also to loose weight . So I am not sure that I agree with what the lady said but I am a hell of lot healthier now than i was almost a hundred pounds ago .
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • DRKEYEZ820
    Its a journey, a life style. Some days u will feel great , others not so much. At the end of the day, as long as your doing everything u should for ur body, then u are making ur body healthy. You might not see the results when u wanna see them, but all those small steps ur taking will get u to your ultimate goal.
    I think your truly inspirational. And its not just me that thinks so. Keep inspiring, that alone will help u continue to inspire yourself.
    Im proud of u!
    1754 days ago
    Darlene it is hard some times for the mind to really believe what others see in us and how far we have come. I know all about the old tape recording playing the mind game on us In time you will be able to see and beleive what everyone has been telling you of how far you have come. emoticon
    1755 days ago
    Hey Tink, I know exactly what you are talking about. Every physical change I went through, I always seem to have trouble catching up my inner picture with the outer appearance. If I lost weight, I felt insecure for many reasons, because I always thought I still had that layer of extra fluff... mentally.... you know? I wonder if there is a name for that, because I am certain a lot of people struggle with that. And in my case, I always think, I am really not that person. Maybe that's my problem with giving up. I just can't believe that I am really that person that loses that weight so every time I am down a few pounds I am thinking it's not me until I gain it back and then I wish I had come to terms with it before gaining. Does that make any sense? Now I am just rambling. But anyway, you are a really good inspiration for me!!! Keep on pushing, you are doing a fabulous job!
    1756 days ago
    Keep pushing forward. Eventually your mental picture of you will catch up to the physical picture of you. I have to tell myself that a lot.
    1758 days ago
    I'm glad that you can see you've come a long way even if you don't believe it mentally sometimes. It helps me on a bad day to read back over my blogs and look back at my photos and see the evidence of how far I've come (and you've come much further than me). Somedays I even force myself to say I'm proud of me, even if I don't feel it. emoticon
    1758 days ago
    Hi Tink...Weight loss is so mental. I hate that you can't see how far you've come some days. Cause truth is some days you can see it. I have mentally off days and we need to cut ourselves some slack. If we are tracking and moving and trying, let's take a look at that scale and know this is not the whole picture. You are coming a long. Part of the issue I know for me is that my body will hold onto weight in my middle because of our age (I assume you are over 40.) But the harder part is being happy with who we are. I so hate me some days...some days I rock...Let's find more rocking days than ...
    1758 days ago
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