Saturday, April 27, 2013
Wow, it's almost 1/2 way through 2013. I really wanted this to be "my year", but I'm still lagging. I'm still not sure what it's going to take to make that switch in my head.
I had a conversation with my husband that kind of got me there...He said something that I know he didn't mean in a bad way, but I can't help but take it that way. We were talking about guys checking out girls and I told him that if a guy thinks that the tall, skinny, big-boobed girl is "hot", what does that say about me? I'm short. NOT skinny. Only big-boobed because of the weight. Not hot. So he said something along these lines: you were hot when I met you, but that first reaction only lasts until you get to know a person. I fell in love with YOU, not the way you look. Sure, I thought you were gorgeous and had a cute little body, but that doesn't last forever. So basically, he was saying that he knows the looks go away and he loves ME for ME. He said he still finds me very attractive, of course, because he loves me so much...it wouldn't matter what I look like.
So I thought...ok, don't let this hurt your feelings. But then I thought, I was "hot" for about 5 minutes in my early 20's. Since then, I've been overweight and NOT "hot". But why can't we look our best regardless of our ages? My husband said he know the looks fade...but why should they? Why not look my best at every age? Even when I'm old, can't I look good for my age? Is 33 an age where I should just take what I've got and be happy? I don't think so! I'm still young and vibrant and I want to be that way at every milestone!
I love that my husband would love me no matter what, but it made me feel like I'm just giving up when really, I haven't even started...I just started my career, have kids to look forward to...a whole lifetime. Do I want to feel ugly and fat for the next 60 years???
So maybe my husband doesn't need me to do it for HIM, but I need to do it for ME. What I do feel our conversation gives me is TIME. I don't have to be in any rush. I don't have to lose it all NOW. So I'm just going to focus on 10 pounds at a time and forget the rest. If it takes me 6 months to lose 10 pounds, so be it, right?
Baby update: just found out I have super low progesterone post-ovulation. I actually *knew* this but now I have proof. So I'm starting to take progesterone every month after ovulation. I also have an appointment to see a fertility specialist on June 5 at Oregon Reproductive Medicine. It's time to take the next step toward the baby we want so badly!